Nisar Sufi’s
The Longest Yard – a Cricket story
Plot
Muneeb Ul Haq was banned from playing all forms of cricket after a match-fixing case. Three years later he Is given a chance of redemption to lead a team of prison inmates against the facility’s guards.
Note: Inspired by the 2005 screenplay The Longest Yard written by Sheldon Turner. Original screenplay written by Albert S. Ruddy and Tracy Keenan Wynn in 1974.
Intro
‘’Get your lazy ass up.’’ Margaret told her husband. ‘’The guests are here.’’
‘’Muneeb was lying back up on the bed watching TV. ‘’So what? I’m not here to entertain them.’’ He said without looking at her.
The blonde wife was wearing a purple dress which specifically showed her big breasts. ‘’Either go downstairs or go out of the house.’’ She said pulled the quilt from underneath his body.
‘’I choose the latter,’’ he almost slipped out of bed but managed to land safely.
Muneeb threw the TV remote control at her and it landed between her tits.
‘’See even I catch. Something you couldn’t manage in your last match.’’ She said and watched her husband walk past her pouting.
A plump middle-aged man was drinking wine from an expensive-looking glass. He sat on a comfortable chair near the swimming pool. Two sexy bikini-wearing ladies were by his sides.
‘’Hey Mr. Woodcock!’’ A drunk man called from above.
Everyone looked at the guy on top of the mansion roof. Muneeb had his pants just some inches down and was holding his penis with his hands.
‘’You got a piece of willow for your bat so I’m guessing you can’t do this!’’
Muneeb started peeing directly into Mr. Woodcock’s glass. The crowd made disgusted noises and faces as the saw the peculiar scene. Mr. Woodcock’s face was that of a surprised buffalo.
‘’Is there a Guinness World Record for this?!”’ Muneeb asked sarcastically and laughed out loud at his own joke.
He didn’t notice the two kids playing with water guns behind him. One accidentally bumped into him who and he was standing at the edge of the roof. He felt like a bird soaring in the air and a human missile as he descended quickly.
Chapter1
‘’ICC chairman Alfred Woodcock suffered from multiple broken bones last night,’’ The prison guard read from a newspaper.
Muneeb was smiling up at him from his seat in the middle of the medium-sized transport bus. Another guard was standing right in front of him with a metal stick in his grasp.
Muneeb saw him tapping the stick on the floor. He looked as if he was going to eat Munneb alive and his eyes seemed to glow devilishly behind those sunglasses.
‘’By former Pakistani cricket superstar Muneeb Ul Haq.’’ The guard finished the article’s sentence. ‘’So what did you get out all of this?’’
‘’Umm… the front page of The Times.’’ Muneeb said with his eyes closed thoughtfully.
The mustached guy showed him the front page. Muneeb’s photo dropping his last match’s catch was shown on one side. Along with it was the picture of him with his shorts dragged down till his ankles being carried by the UK police. His dick was censored by a cricket bat and one policeman was stopping his native British wife from smacking the living hell out of him.
‘’We’re here mates!’’ The bus driver announced pulling to a stop.
Muneeb looked outside the window. A jail facility called Green Day Prison stood alone in a deserted area.
The ex-cricketer was kicked out from the bus by the sunglasses-sporting prison guard.
‘’What the fuck!’’ Muneeb cried.
The bulky man put his stick on top of Muneeb’s dick. ‘’One more word out of you and then you’ll be needing a woodcock.’’
He mocked him laughing hysterically along with the mustached man.
The mustached guard was the only person escorting the ex-superstar to the Warden’s office. They were in an isolated hallway.
‘’What did they call you in Pakistan?’’ He asked Muneeb. ‘’Dhoom Two?’’
‘’No, it was actually Boom Boom-ugh!’’ He was hit hard in the stomach with the stick.
‘’One more word and I’ll share this bloody metal up your hairy a-hole.’’ The mustached guard said holding the stick right across his face. ‘’Now when the Warden ask you a question your answer will be no. Got it?’’
‘’But you said one more word-‘’
He was hit again.
‘’What are you going to say Dhoom Two?’’
‘’No!’’
‘’Good…’’
Chapter2
‘’Good morning Warden.’’ The mustached guard greeted his boss.
The Warden turned around to face Muneeb standing his employee.
The Warden was at least 6 feet 4 inches tall and had a balding head with gray hair remains and a fresh smile on his clean-shaved face.
‘’Mr. Ul Haq so nice to see you.’’ The Warden said walking from his desk to give a handshake.
Some people actually treat you with respect here, Muneeb thought.
Munneb just nodded. He was about to speak but a nudge on the back from the mustached man made him hesitate.
The Warden out a gentle hand on Muneeb’s shoulder and guided him to the window at the far end.
‘’My name is Green Day and this is my lovely wife Sania.’’ He said pointing to the cute Pakistani woman wearing a shalvaar kameez.
She nodded at Muneeb shyly. Her hair was dark brown and she wore seductive eyeliner.
‘’Now your entry here is a mixed blessing for me Ul Haq.’’ The Warden explained. ‘’Bad because cricket lovers here will be giving me a timid time. Good because I found a person to coach our jail’s cricket team.’’
Green Day mentioned Muneeb to look outside the window. A cricket pitch was built in the guards. White-skinned players were having net practice in the area.
‘’You have a cricket team?’’ Muneeb asked in surprise.
‘’Why yes and we also won the Prison Cricket Championship.’’ Muneeb and the Warden saw a trophy certificate hung on the wall along with pictures if the players along with Green Day himself. ‘’But that was five years ago. So Mr. Ul Haq what do you say to my offer? It’s one that you simple cannot refuse.’’
Muneeb gulped. His eyes shifted from the mustached guard to the Warden’s hot wife and then finally to the Warden himself.
‘’Umm…no.’’
Chapter3
‘’I’ll have the biryani.’’ Muneeb told the chef.
The chef put a hamburger with some mayonnaise French fries on his plate. ‘’Only British food for you Boom Boom.’’
A-hole, Muneeb though as he walked through the tables trying to find a vacant seat.
‘’You Muni Badnaam Hui take a seat with me.’’ A Bangladeshi called.
The three Asian dudes sitting near him got up as Muneeb walked to the table.
‘’Thanks umm… what’s your name?’’ The Pakistani asked.
‘’Saimul but my friends call me Muli.’’ The Bangladeshi said as Muneeb took a seat.
‘’That’s quite embarrassing.’’ Muneeb told him throwing the hamburger over Saimul’s head and into a trash bin.
‘’Not as embarrassing as Muni.’’ Saimul joked. ‘’And nice aim do you catch that good as well?’’
‘’The match-fixing was never proven. If PCB had my back I would’ve served six months and be out. And what do you care? You’re a Bangladeshi.’’
‘’Well, we were once Pakistani you know.’’
‘’We were?’’ Muneeb said sarcastically.
‘’Didn’t your hot-ass wife teach you history?’’ Saimul asked gulping peanuts while shoving them in the air. ‘’Listen if you want anything. Drugs, cocaine, smoke, just name it. Hell if you want fish chips just ask Machli Man there.’’
Muneeb stared at a tall muscular Bangladeshi man selling fish-flavored chips to other inmates.
Muneeb moved his face closer to Saimul’s. ‘’And what about a woman’s love?’’
‘’That you can get by banging the Warden’s wife. Available only on Tuesday mornings which was in fact today!’’
Chapter4
‘’Mr. Ul Haq that offer is still due if you are wishing to accept it.’’ The Warden said.
Muneeb was walking with him checking out the guards’ field. It was beautifully green and looked as if a lot of money was spent on its maintenance.
‘’One question. Why are all the players white?’’ Muneeb asked Green Day.
‘’Hey Paki!’’ A batsman called. He took off his helmet and spit on the ground mockingly.
‘’Let’s say our players are a bit racist.’’ Green Day explained.
Muneeb saw a board on the stands with the words No Asians Allowed On The Team.
‘’Define racism.’’
‘’Whatever they are Mr. Ul Haq. You will be their coach. It would be a sort of spiritual redemption for you.’’
‘’Okay how about this?’’ Muneeb said. ‘’I construct a team of Asian players verses your all-white team. That way there will be both practice and experience all in a single match.’’
‘’That’s a very good idea,’’ Green Day said shaking Muneeb’s outstretched hand. ‘’Good luck,’’
Muneeb would soon know why the Warden said Good luck.
Chapter5
‘’That’s a bad idea. A really bad idea.’’ Saimul remarked.
They were on their way to the criminal grounds. Muneeb saw from a distance an inmate was bowling and he hit a bunch of aligned cans with a perfect Yorker.
‘’See we’ve already found a strike bowler for the team.’’ Muneeb said joyfully.
‘’That guy? He’s the overstepper.’’
‘’Why is he called that?’’
Come take a closer look my friend.’’
When they came nearer Muneeb watched in awe as the long-haired guy bowled with both his feet miles over the line.
‘’Shit his no-ball is greater than Amir’s.’’’ Muneeb commented disapprovingly.
‘’Luckily he ain’t got the PCB for support.’’ Saimul said.
Muneeb outstretched a hand towards him. ‘’You probably know who I am-‘’
‘’No, I don’t.’’ The overstepper said removing his golden highlighted hair from his face. ‘’I don’t know any professional crickets. I’m Jamaican.’’
‘’That explains your skin being blacker than my hairy asshole.’’ Muneeb said. ‘’Your aim is perfect but why do you overstep the line?’’
‘’Well, I was a belly-dancer in Jamaica. The instructor always told me to step over the marked lines while dancing so it’s an old habit.’’
‘’Hey Ricky I’m back.’’ An Asian bald guy came walking to the pitch with a Kookabura bat in his grasp.
‘’Can you bet?’’ Muneeb asked the 20something year old fellow.
‘’Hell yeah I can.’’ The bald guy replied.
‘’Show me that.’’ Muneeb said taking the ball from Ricky’s hand.
Both bowler and batsman positioned themselves. Muneeb gave an offspinner to the bald Asian who advanced down the pitch, swung the bat hard down the legside, and the sound of the bowl hitting the wicket was prominently heard.
‘’Who’s your coach? You remind me of someone.’’ Muneeb asked.
‘’I am.’’ A fair-skinned Asian man with a large beard said and Tom Cruise face expression said suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
He had a Pakistani shirt on
‘’Y-you’re-‘’
‘’Shahid Afridi,’’ the man said completing Saimul’s sentence.
Chapter6
‘’But didn’t you run away like a pussy after losing the 2011 World Cup Semi-final to India?’’ Saimul asked.
He, Afridi and Muneeb were seated in the stands beside each other. The sun was just about to go down to bring entry for the night.
‘’Yes, I did. But now after hearing about Muneeb Ul Haq I decided to help you both coach the new criminal team.’’ Afridi explained.
‘’Well first we need players.’’ Muneeb said sadly looking at the orange sun.
‘’No first we need a name.’’ Saimul told them. ‘’How about Cricket Cocks?’’
‘’That’s a dumbass name.’’ Afridi commented.
‘’For the first time I agree with Afridi totally dumbass.’’ Muneeb added.
‘’I know where we can find players.’’ Shahid Afridi declared.
Chapter7
‘’This is the list of Asian players who played in the Green Day Prison’s team before the Warden stepped on as coach.’’ Afridi said searching the files in the computer of the records room.
They had broken in here out of desperation. Another Bangladeshi was guarding the door in case of a guard deciding to show up.
‘’The highest rate of the player is up to five stars.’’ Shahid Afridi told them.
‘’Oh, oh what’s mine?’’ Saimul asked.
Afridi checked Saimul’s file. He was rated half a star.
‘’What the-that’s discrimination. Even Shakib Al Hassan has at least one star at Cricinfo.
‘’You better go catch Green Day’s balls for more points.’’ Mubeeb said and he and Afridi laughed at that joke.
‘’Okay, we got two of three five-star rated players.’’ Saimul said checking his notepead.
‘’Where’s the last one?’’ Muneeb asked.
Saimul looked up at him with frightful eyes. ‘’The mental section.’’
Chapter8
‘’KM was out here on the account of eating his captain’s balls, literally.’’ The guard escorting them said.
Both inmates gulped at that story. ‘’What is his full name?’’ Muneeb asked.
‘’He’s Sri-Lankan how am I supposed to pronounce it?’’
The guard left the two to an isolated room and they stared at the tall man who had his back to them in the transparent cage.
‘’Oh and don’t show him anything shaped like a ball.’’ The guard said from the door. ‘’Do not even let him see the outline of your cock.’’ He left giggling to himself.
‘’Hey KM.’’ Saimul called. ‘’We heard you were Sri-Lanka A’s best fielder. You never dropped a single ball-I mean-catch.’’
‘’We’re constructing a team against the guards would you like to join us?’’ Muneeb asked directly.
KM turned around. He had scary-looking eyes and was 6 feet 6 inches tall. He finally shook his head.
‘’It’s against the guards who treat you like a piece of shit.’’ Saimul explained.
KM nodded with an evil grin.
‘’But first you have to fight your addiction.’’ Muneeb said taking off his pants.
KM tried to bust out his cage his lips drooling on the glass hungrily.
‘’He’s right,’’ Saimul removed his pants.
They were so oiled, hairy and disgusting that KM vomited and gave up his thirst for balls!
Chapter9
‘’We absolutely need players from the Indian side.’’ Muneeb said.
‘’I thought Pakistanis were the most number of Asians in Britain.’’ Saimul said.
‘’Yeah but the majority of Pakistanis don’t go to jail.’’ Afridi commented.
The Indian side was separated from all the other grounds. They had a small hockey field in a caged drea.
‘’Look Muni you’re taking a big risk even stepping inside there.’’ Saimul told him. ‘’They might not like Gandhi but they’re twice as racist.’’
Muneeb Ul Haq didn’t listen and stepped inside the caged area regardless of Saimul’s comments. The Indians stopped playing hockey as they saw the ex-Pakistani cricketer walking in their joint.
‘’What you doin’ here Paki?’’ A mustached Malvari asked stepping off the stands.
‘’I’m here to talk to your leader.’’ Muneeb replied.
An Indian man holding a hockey stick and sporting a large mustache with its ends pointing upwards made his way through the crowd. The hairs on his armpits were so big they were sticking out.
‘’I’m Chikna the leader,’’ he said in a Malu accent. ‘’What do you wish to discuss?’’
‘’We need some people from your side in our team.’’
‘’The crowd reacted with loud noises and foul comments.
‘’Silence!’’ Chikna exclaimed raising a hand. ‘’If you beat me in a one-on-one then I will gladly agree to your request.’’ He said giving another hockey stick to him.
Muneeb grinned as if pre-victoriously and grabbed the stick tightly.
The one-on-one began with Muneeb being the goal-keeper. He stopped the puck which was shot from half-ground.
The next time Chikna was about to shoot he elbowed Muneeb’s balls when he got closer. The puck slid into the small goal perfectly.
‘’Hope I didn’t hurt you there.’’ Chikna smirked.
‘’No, it’s fair play.’’ Muneeb said straightening himself up.
Chikna went for the goal again and this time smacked Muneeb’s helmet with the stick when he drove. The Pakistani fell sideways onto the ground and watch the puck go in.
In the end, Chikna scored 7 out of 10 goals. Now it was Muneeb’s turn as striker.
Muneeb tried to get closer to the goal=post but was pushed down by Chikna.
‘’Hope that didn’t hurt Pakistani.’’ Chikna told him.
‘’Not that much,’’ Muneeb said holding up a hand.
Chikna shook his head disapprovingly and returned to guarding the goal-post. In his second try Chikna rubbed his hairy armpit against Muneeb’s face but he still managed to score.
I’m so gonna deodorize my face after the game, Muneeb thought.
In conclusion, Muneeb needed just one more score to win the match. And he had to do this on the last try.
His eyes were focused on Chikna the whole time. As he raised the hockey stick Chikna stepped closer. He anticipated Muneeb to come closer but Muneeb smacked the puck and scored from half-court.
All the Indians booed and cursed as Afridi and Muli clapped their heads off outside. Finally Chikna took off his helmet and shook Muneeb’s hand.
‘’How many players do you need?’’ Chikna asked smiling pleasantly.
‘’Umm… about ten,’’ he replied.
Chikna nodded sideways. ‘’I’ll give you my best.’’
Chapter10
‘’Hi, This is Nisar Masoom your commentator for the day. Along with is Hassan Faheem.’’ A guy is a suit said in front of the studios’ camera. ‘’So Hassan any word from you on how today’s match will be played like?’’
Hassan opened his mouth to speak but his whole body turned red. He shut his mouth back in shame.
‘’So no word from Hassan who was the captain of the Buraimi Bitches last year in the UAEPL. Let’s get this show on the road.’’ Nisar said and laughter was heard from behind the cameras at Hassan.
The match had finally begun. All the major sports channels including ESPN, Star Sports, Ten Sports, etc. were televising it around the globe. The sky was sunny and it was the afternoon, The overstepper was ready with the new ball.
‘’Green Day had won the toss and chosen to bat,’’ Nisar announced through the microphone. ‘’Cricket Cocks will need to be excellent at both bowling and fielding at this batting pitch. What do you say Hassan?’’
Hassan opened his mouth to speak but his color turned tomato red again.
‘’I guess not.’’ Nisar said.
‘’Hey overstepper!’’ The batsman at the non-striker’s end called. ‘’So I’m guessing your whole over will be made up of six no-balls!’’ The man laughed hysterically.
‘’’Don’t listen to him overstepper-I mean Ricky.’’ Muneeb said from the covers close to the strike batsman.
Overstepper closed his eyes and licked the ball like Malinga. Then he ran at from a great length and bowled the batsmen for a golden duck with super pace.
The batsman asked for a review. The umpire asked why. It was a no-ball appeal.
Overstepper didn’t bowl any extras but his spell concluded with 70 runs in 10 without another wicket.
It was the last delivery of the second last over of the first innings and the batting powerplay was going on.
‘’The score is very near to 300.’’ Nisar announced. ‘’Will the Cricket Cocks come up with a new strategy to stop them reducing their highest innings score? What are the odds Hassan?’’
Hassan turned red again.
‘’Oh who gives a fuck.’’
‘’Aim for his balls!’’ Munneb shouted to a Malu swing bowler.
‘’Don’t let him get to his maiden century.’’ Ricky called.
Balls, balls, balls, RM thought hungrily.
The Malu swung the ball in targeting the cock but the batsman blocked it. The ball gave an outside edge and every fielder cheered as KM took a dive from silly point onto the batsman’s balls!
‘’Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!’’ The batsman yelled as he fell to the ground with a ferocious Sri-Lankan feasting on his cock.
Both teams were giving a drinks break after the incident.
‘’We’re in a bad position.’’ Afridi told the captain.
They were grouped together in the field.
‘’Well yeah and there were five catches and all were taken by KM. Hell he even stood beside the spin bowlers to catch for them!’’ Afridi yelled.
‘’So he’s in custody for disruption of the bastard’s cock. And that bastard’s retired. So what? Even you bit a cricket ball in front of 18 cameras. Look we got one over left. Let’s not let them reach their highest score.’’ Muli told the team.
Everyone put their hands together, cheered and went off to play the last over.
The other team’s captain was on strike. Muneeb was the offspin bowler.
‘’How long are you going to shine that ball?’’ Aleem Dar asked him.
He was rubbing it from over 15 minutes.
‘’He should’ve done that in his last match. So that the ball hadn’t slipped from his fingers.’’ The mustached man on strike said.
Muneeb stopped drying the ball with the towel. He waited for the umpire’s signal and bowled five deliveries in quick succession. No run scored.
‘’Now it’s time to make history.’’ The strike batsman said and advanced on the shot.
The ball drove straight into Muneeb’s chest. He fell down hiding the ball. His teammates gathered around to see whether he was injured. No damage had been done. Muneeb got up and revealed the ball in his hand-he had caught it!
‘’Howzat!’’ He yelled joyfully.
Chapter11
‘’I think we’re going fine coach.’’ Muneeb told Afridi.
They were watching the field from the Cricket Cocks’ stand.
‘’290-6 we’re almost there.’’ Afridi told him. ‘’Great another wicket.’’
‘’I’ve got an idea.’’ Muneeb told Saimul before he could go onto the field.
Saimul was confident at the striker’s end. The fast bowler delivered a short-length ball that Muli gave a back-foot cut towards the fielder on silly mid-off.
The ball hit the fielder’s cheek and he was taken off the field. The next delivery was hit hard onto the fielder at square short leg. He was also substituted.
‘’Oh, I see now.’’ Afridi said with a grin. ‘’You want the good fielders off the ground. Good tactic.’’
‘’Thank you,’’ Muneeb replied.
The next delivery was at good length and when Saimul tried to hit backwards the stumps had fallen.
‘’Idiot you even told him to knock out the wicketkeeper!’’ Afridi exclaimed at the Cricket Cocks’ captain.
The score was at a definitive point. Cricket Cocks needed 10 runs from 3 balls. Another player got out.
Afridi’s bald-headed protégé was sent out to finish the game. When he advanced he got to hit an edged four. The Pathan got up and started clapping. ‘’See that’s my playa!’’
On the next delivery the bald-headed player advanced again and played towards the legside at a completely straight ball.
‘’Yup he’s your player alright.’’ Saimul said.
‘’Muneeb you’re up.’’ Afridi told him.
‘’But I’m an offspinner.’’ Muneeb argued.
‘’Yeah and the last man standing.’’ Muneeb felt sad and under-confident. ‘’Look guys I want to tell you something. I did drop the last catch on purpose. I did it for that English bitch I married who wanted England to win so badly. I mean they are one of the pioneers of the game and they never won the World Cup.
But that was many years ago. Now I won’t let my brothers down. Time to fuck county cricket.’’ Muneeb got up, adjusted his gear and walked through the team’s applause to the field.
The bowler was a red-haired 17-year old.
‘’You can do it captain!’’ Ricky exclaimed from the other end.
‘’Thanks Bellydancer.’’ Muneeb told him.
The only shot Muneeb was good at was the straight drive. A fielder was positioned on long off the same position where Muneeb dropped the catch purposely which led to a winning six off the last delivery.
Muneeb was offering a silent prayer as the red-haired teenaged did his run-up. The Pakistani tailender his eyes closed and they opened just as the ball was in mid-air.
Muneeb’s breath stopped, he felt his muscles get shocked as he hit the full-toss hard with a straight drive. The mustached guard jumped but the ball brushed past his middle finger and landed inside the ropes.
The whole stadium roared with applause as the Cricket Cocks player ran out on the field in celebration.
‘’They won. They fucking won!’’ Nisar got up on the table and came on the glass in front of him in joy. ‘’Take that Sania Mirza!’’
He turned to see Hassan whose head had blown off and bloody remains were left.
‘’He so wished he could catch up. Haha!’’
Aftermath
‘’Congragulations Mr. Ul Haq.’’ The Warden shaking hands with the Cricket Cocks’ captain. ‘’Hope we win from you next time.’’
‘’Good luck,’’ Muneeb said grinning. ‘’By the way your wife is looking lovely tonight.’’
‘’Oh she just divorced me.’’ Green Day said. ‘’I saw her masturbating on your photograph. You can have the bitch for all I care.’’
The Warden left allowing Muneeb to have his eyes completely fixed on Sania. She wore a bright red sari and was standing near the water dispenser in front of the stands.
Muneeb walked over to her and their eyes met passionately. ‘’I’m not surprised you dumped him.’’
‘’Oh really?’’
‘’Who would want to spend the rest of her or his life with a man named after an American rock band.’’
She giggled. Muneeb saw a group of bellydancers entertaining his teammates. ‘’Who are they?’’
‘’Iranian bellydancers.’’ Sania replied.
Muneeb stared at Ricky, who was dancing with them. ‘’Just lucky they’re not from Jamaica.’’
-The End-
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