One Last Roti

Nisar Sufi's

One Last Roti

(The following story is 100% non-racist)

Plot: Ahsan Khan, a Pathan, must avenge the death of his brothers once and for all.

Intro

Ahsan Khan was sitting in front of the television set watching a most important interview.

‘’So are you delighted with your performance?’’ The interviewee asked.

‘’I’m a very happy, I am delighted. I am Man of the Serious, we are Winner of the 3-nil Serious.’’ Saeed Ajmal replied.

Ahsan started laughing his balls out.

He’s not even a Pathan and his English is so bad, he thought munching on his naswar-flavored popcorn.

The front door slapped open and his Filipino wife entered with her arms crossed.

‘’Pathan I want you to tell that beggar outside to leave us the fuck away.’’ She said infuriated.

‘’Why?’’ He asked with his mouth full of the crunchy bites.

‘’Because yesterday I had sex with him and today he gave me a book ‘How to Fuck’.’’

Ahsan’s cellphone beeped. ‘’Oh, it’s from the shop. I’ll talk to you later jaani.’’

And with that he kissed her pimpled cheek, and left the Burj Al Arab (yeah, the real one) apartment.

Chapter1

‘’Nooo!’’ Ahsan screamed.

He carried the most hideous the most disgusting thing in his grasp.

‘’That’s the most stale roti I’ve ever seen.’’ He told the mustached baker.

‘’What can we Arabs do?’’ The Egyptian guy replied. ‘’Only Pathans can make the best roti.’’

Ahsan spit on the roti. ‘’And improve your jibnah, it tastes like come.’’

And he entered his roti bazaar next door.

‘’Hey guys I didn’t know you both got a sun tan?’’ Ahsan complimented.

Then he soon realized that they had been tanned to death. His brothers’ heads had been shoved inside the oven. They were lying like lifeless half-African voodoo dolls with their backs against the wall on top of the oven’s exterior.

Ahsan knew who had done this. And that person was in the next town.

Chapter2

Ahsan was on a vehicle heading from Sharjah to Dubai. The killer was in Dubai mall as he had read in Gulf News. PS, fuck Khaleej Times.

He had gotten a call earlier in the morning from his son’s ICT teacher. She told him that his son Emad was answering a board exam question of making a table in Excel by drawing one in Paint. And Ahsan replied that he’s a Pathan. When she had told him his son had gotten a U* in ICT, he replied that he’s a Pathan. When she was screaming over the line that you’re son is humping me, Ahsan replied that he’s a Pathan…

Ahsan was named after Jason Statham and their first names rhymed. His dad had loved Statham’s movies (although they all had the same getting-revenge-one-last-time story). And this time Ahsan as he were in one.

He was about to stop for a red light but it was actually Hassan Faheem’s RED face that he saw.

Two giant black BMWs (Bengali Machli Wales) vans lined beside his bicycle.

Ahsan shielded his eyes with his hand. ‘’I didn’t know we were expecting a solar eclipse today?’’

It took him seconds to realize that a black guy was holding an AK-47 outside the van’s window.

What Ahsan did next was Rajnikanthish. He leapt inside the other van’s front seat. The two couldn’t stand his stench so the car slid off the bridge onto the downward road.

But the mighty Pathan held on to the railing. He heard a taxi minutes later. The taxi driver started touching him seductively on the thigh.

‘’Hey I’m a Pathan too!’’ Ahsan used diplomacy.

‘’Then this is self-discrimination.’’ The driver replied.

After reaching Dubai Mall, Ahsan saw the villain in a suit entering Carrefour from his limousine. He followed him but stopped when he had reached the fish section. Only-doti wearing men jumped out of the my fishes onto the floor. They were waving fishes dangerously in the air.

Ahsan simply missed the two of them by sliding against the floor, and pulled off their lungis.

‘’Blimey I have never seen something so hairy and oily!’’ A blonde British kid said.

Next to him Queen Elizabeth fainted before realizing that this was worse than the England 3-nil serious whitewash.

The Bangladeshis ran way holding the large fishes over their penises. It seemed as though the fishes had beards!

Chapter3

Two hours later, Ahsan entered another roti shop in Dubai. He showed the Pathan there a photograph.

‘’I want to know where this f (fish)-hole is?’’ He asked him.

‘’You know my fee.’’ Obaid said.

‘’Yes and I’m willing to pay it.’’

Obaid started tying a red bandana with the front title in black TALIBAN on it. And started singing: His brothers behind him turned the roti oven around to reveal a music studio. They joined him musically.

‘’Oye lodos I am singing song

Rice song

Flour song

Why this Pathan roti Cheap?

Chawwal incorrect

Why this Pathan roti Cheap?

Naswar please

Why this Pathan roti…Cheap?

Distance la Bangladesh-u Bangladesh-u

Bengali colour black-u

Black background dawn-u dawn-u

Pathan-u colour-u white-u

Why this Pathan roti Cheap?

Black skin-u Bengali-u Bengali-u

Bengali gaand-u hairy-u

Lund-u chood-u meet-u meet-u

My porno black

Why this Pathan roti Cheap?

Bengali thail laga tha har jaga

Pathan ho gaya geela

Andr gaand main daa la

Bahar machli ka bacha nikla

Malvari super maama ready?

Ready ek, do, theen, chaar!

OK Malvari mustache change-u

Lassi glass

Only Pashto…

Hand la lassi

Mouth la naswar

Roti-u full-u soggy-u

Empty oven-u

Bengali-u come-u

Roti process reverse gear-u

Choduu choduu

You showed me rice sauce-u

Fish fish holi fish-u

I want you swim now-u

Roti is bakin’ now

Bengali suck dick-u

This song for Bengali boys-u

They don’t get 1 DHS roti at discount-u

Chawwal song…’’

Chapter4

The Bangladeshi nasty piece of work was staying in the Burj Khalifa. Only Ahsan could defeat him. This Ahsan was riding his car.

A couple of motorcyclists were on his tail now. They unzipped their leather jeans and peed on the road. The car was getting off-balance due to the slippery ground.

‘’You Bengali a-holes! You can even pee oil!?!’’ Ahsan screamed angrily.

He pushed a button on the dashboard and the car drove super fast. The motorcyclists were left far behind.

‘’Yes!’’ Ahsan celebrated.

His naswar nitrous had actually worked.

But when he started singing a gay Pashto song getting himself distracted the car crashed into a street lamp.

He woke up listening to the voice of a comedian.

‘’Do you know why Bengalis are so black?’’ Obaid asked on the radio. ‘’’Cause Rajnikanth shitted at the start of their generation.’’

‘’Do you know why Pathans are so white?’’ Man-boobs asked. ‘’Because Rajni masturbated on their generation’s beginning like watering a field of crops.’’

Ahsan smashed the radio with his lund! He slammed the broken car door off and walked the remaining way.

When he reached the Burj he saw something something on the top floor. The villain’s group of hitmen spat on the ground to see which saliva-drop would land first.

Then some Pathans spitted to see whose would reach the sun first and bird shitted on their faices.

Chapter5

Ahsan knew they would be waiting for him. So he came prepared. He slid against the wet floor after entering through the front. The mob fired their fucking AK-47s.

But he was unharmed as he was wearing a roti-armor. He took out one big piece and threw it like a batarang and hit all the foes flying in a circle then returning in his grasp.

Cockily he took off the armor. And made his way to the elevator in front of him. But footsteps were heard from behind.

It was Man-boobs, his high school enemy, the van AK-47 solar eclipse guy.

‘’Tu kya zyada naswar ka liya aaj?’’ Man-boob asked in his Bengali style of Urdu.

‘’Tu kya zyada Murge se chud gaya tha aaj?’’ Ahsan asked.

Man-boobs took out a salamander from his back holster. ‘’One more step and I’ll kill your Pathan ass.’’

Ahsan rolled his eyes, then turned around and took that step. Man-boobs threw the fish but Ahsan dodged it and swung the roti like Captain America’s Afghanistan’s shield.

It chopped off Man-boob’s head.

Ahsan reached the roof. The sun was about to drop down to welcome the white moon. The fiend was standing his hands held behind his back and staring the other way, on the edge of the roof.

‘’So we meet again.’’ He said.

Ahsan nodded with a frown.

‘’My parents always loved you more.’’ Shahwath said turning around to finally face him.

Ahsan remembered. He was born in a Bangladeshi village but his Pathan parents had abandoned him. So he was adopted by Shahwath’s family and was loved by the whole village.

He was like a needle in a haystack. Or a light in the middle of a tunnel.

‘’You were the only white guy in the village.’’ Shava said jealousy.

‘’No, you’re wrong.’’ Ahsan corrected. ‘’I was the only white guy in Bangladesh.’’

Shahwath ran and slapped Ahsan’s faic with a fish. He fell ont eh ground. Shava dropped hjis pants and slided his oily, hairy cock against Ahsan’s faic.

‘’Fuck!’’ Ahsan screamed like a little Pathan girl.

‘’You like it don’t you?’’

‘’Your balls are like gulab jamun.’’

Then Shava replaced his pants and took out a small gun from his pocket.

‘’Thank God it’s not a fish.’’ Ahsan said ironically.

Shahwath said something in Bengali which sounded like ‘fuck you’ and pulled the trigger.

Ahsan had his eyes closed when the shot fired. He opened them to see the feathers of angels surround him.

‘’Wait this ain’t heaven. You shot me with rice?’’ Ahsan realized.

‘’Fuck I bought the wrong pistol.’’ He stared at the weapon. ‘’Teri maa ki sakinaka.’’

Ahsan pulled Shava’s collar towards himself and shoved something inside his mouth.

‘’I actually like naswar!’’ The Bangladeshi gay ganglord said.

‘’Do you like naswar grenades?’’

‘’What the fish!’’

Aftermath

Ahsan had survived the total destruction of the Burj. He was at the Sharjah Cricket Stadium watching Afg. vs. Pak. The white people were in the A. stands and the black peeps were at the P. stand and the tanned were in between.

Some Afghani had just hit the Man of the Serious for a reverse sweep 6!

At least I’ll get to see an interview, Ahsan thought grinning at the idea of it.

Beep.

A picture message was received.

His wife was fucking the beggar.

So she finally learned how to fuck, Ahsan thought.

But it was not an ordinary-looking beggar. It was Shahwath! Ahsan had actually killed The Fish’s Double…

-The End?-