The Expendables Parody

Nisar Sufi Presents

The Expendables Parody

(A parody of The Expendables (2010) written by David Callaham and Sylvester Stallone)

Plot: After Sylvester’s team fails to save Pakistani sailors from Somali pirates, he must gather his group for one final mission.

Main Characters

Sylvester (Sly)

Jason

Jet Li

Dolph

Terry

Mr. Church

Stone Cold

President Barack Obama

Chapter1

2:34 AM, Karachi Sea.

‘’Okay team we’re going in,’’ The team leader Sylvester said.

  Jason, Jet Li, Dolph and Terry followed him to the base of the ship. Suddenly, Jet Li stepped on something wet.

  ‘’Boss I think the ship is sinking!’’ He shouted.

  ‘’No mate, that’s just the hostage’s urine. They can’t get proper washrooms here.’’ Jason explained.

  ‘’He thinks he’s white,’’ Dolph mocked the martial artist. ‘’That’s why he didn’t realize the liquid is as yellow as his skin.’’

  ‘’Shut up assholes,’’ Sly told them. ‘’This is the door, on my mark.’’

  He counted to three then kicked the door open. About a dozen Somali pirates wielding AK-47s stood behind knelt Pakistani sailors.

  ‘’Where is our 1 billion dollars?’’ The leader asked.

  ‘’With Pakistan, don’t you know their government owes us that much.’’ Terry said.

  ‘’And still we’re out here busting our asses.’’ Jason said.

  ‘’Aim your weapons.’’ Sylvester ordered.

  Jason moved closer to him and whispered ‘’what do you think is faster the bullet or the blade?’’

  Suddenly, one pirate shut off the light switch and then 10 seconds of gunfire echoed through the whole vessel.

Chapter2

‘’What went wrong?’’ President Obama asked. ‘’Please be specific.’’

  ‘’Sir, one bloody pirate flicked the light switch off.’’ Jason replied.

  The whole team was standing in front of the President’s office in the White House unharmed.

  ‘’I want to know how every Pakistani got killed in the shooting?’’

  ‘’All of them were black Sir. We couldn’t see so they all got shot-the Pakistanis and the Somalis.’’ The team leader explained.

  ‘’But there are two good points Mr. President.’’ Dolph said.

  ‘’And by the grace of Lady Liberty’s pussy what are they?’’

  ‘’Well, one Pakistani survived because he was a Pathan.’’ 

  ‘’And the second?’’

  Dolph turned to Terry.

  ‘’Terry wasn’t hurt Sir. As you can see he is even blacker than you are.’’

Jason was driving his motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house. All of them had been kicked out of the Black Ops Unit by Obama himself. Also, due to discrimination, Obama renamed the unit into Grey Ops.

  Jason rang the door bell two times and after a moment his hot girlfriend appeared.

  ‘’Hey sweetie pie,’’ Jason reached forward to hug her but she backed away.

  The bed-sheets over her body fell down revealing a red bite mark on one tit.

  ‘’Jason you’re back?!’’ She asked in shock.

  ‘’Who the fuck bit your breast whore?’’

  A man with black hair but with grey on the sides appeared behind the girl.

  ‘’I did,’’ The man said proudly. ‘’And the bitch’s not a whore she’s a bitch.’’

  ‘’Bitch to you but whore to me,’’

  Jason frowned. ‘’Listen both of you. If I see the other breast bitten you mate are gonna join me in a game of basketballs next time.’’

Chapter3

The next morning…

  At dawn Sylvester had gotten an SMS from a person named Mr. Church. He went down to the local church to meet him.

  ‘’So I hear you got a job for me?’’ Sly said walking into the hall.

  Mr. Church was standing on the altar. ‘’Yeah and it’s not a blowjob unfortunately.’’

  ‘’What’s the mission?’’

  ‘’First let me introduce you to my box office rival.’’

  The front door of the church burst open. A man with an ugly black mustache and wavy black hair stepped inside. Behind him Malayalam women were dancing half-naked and a South-Indian song was playing.

  ‘’Who are you?’’ Sly asked.

  The man took a comb out of his jacket pocket and brushed his hair in five seconds. Then his mustache in another five seconds. Then he took out a cigarette-threw it in the air-and spit out fire to light it and finally caught it in his mouth.

  ‘’This is the great Rajnikanth!’’ Mr. Church declared clapping happily.

  ‘’Is he from the Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ set?’’

  ‘’No, he’s the Superman of the East,’’

  Mr. Church explained. ‘’He’s the 2nd most highly paid Asian actor in the world right behind Jackie Chan.’’

  ‘’Shit then we should’ve cast Chan instead of Li!’’ Sly cried.

  Mr. Church shook his head disappointingly then walked to Rajnikanth and shook his hand. Then all of a sudden he took out a pistol and shot the actor straight in the forehead.

  ‘’Why the fuck did you do that?’’ Sylvester asked staring at the corpse on the altar steps.

  ‘’Just to prove if he really had super powers,’’ Mr. Church said smiling. ‘’In the movies nine people would be standing with a pistol on his forehead, and he would escape in just the amount of time to have a cigarette.’’

  Mr. Church turned to the team leader. ‘’Now Sylvester let’s talk about or deal.’’

Chapter4

Vinela, Spain.

The weather was extremely hot. Both muscular men had their shirts wet from sweat.

  ‘’Man it’s like we’re stuck inside a heater,’’ Sly told his friend.

  They were standing outside the small airplane terminal. Sylvester saw a middle-aged fat man sitting behind a desk accompanied by two bodyguards on either side.

  ‘’You say it. I even rubbed sun-block over my balls,’’ Jason said rubbing his crotch.

  Sly gave him a disgusted look. ‘’Let’s just go inside.’’

  They walked into the tiny office and reported to the only desk. Both of them greeted the clerk. He checked Sly’s passport and nodded but was no surprised at Jason’s.

  ‘’You also American?’’ He asked him.

  ‘’Yeah,’’ Jason replied.

  ‘’But you have a British accent?’’

  Please don’t tell him that goddamn story, Sly thought.

  ‘’I’ll tell you a nice story even though I’m more of a poet. Once upon a time when my American mom was pregnant-she choked on a piece of chewing gum. It slithered down her throat to mine. Now how would you pronounce words with a bubble gum stuck in your throat since you were born?’’

  The clerk nodded then let both of them enter the country through the back door.

  Right in front of his eyes was a beauty like no other. Her tight ass complemented her tight which complemented Sylvester’s tight nuts.

  ‘’I’m going to the bar. You coming?’’ Jason asked.

  ‘’No, I wanna feel the heat-yes, I mean the one in the air.’’

  Jason left his buddy alone in the street with the booty-I mean the beauty.

  ‘’Did you draw all these?’’ He asked the woman staring at the paintings in the shop.

  The woman moved aside to let him enter the small shop. ‘’Yes, it is tradition that we girls paint our mothers nude, as well as our mothers-in-law.’’

  Thank God my mom’s dead, Sly thought.

  Jason walked into the bar holding a bottle of whisky. The bottle broke into pieces and the three of them ducked to escape the array of flying bullets.

  ‘’How the fuck do the dictator’s men know who we are?!’’ Jason questioned loudly over the gunfire.

  ‘’The clerk must’ve not believed your bubblegum story.’’ Sly replied aloud and the two of them were handed pistols by the woman.

  They fired back then exited through the front door. A knife almost played into Sly’s heart but he blocked it and pushed it into the guy’s skull.

  Jason kicked tow henchmen onto the ground then his pajamas dropped due to greasy sun-block. He felt a heavy rush of wind over his back near the ass when he got up he saw a henchman shot down in front of him.

  Jason turned around to face Sly grinning. ‘’I’m trying to not get sun-burned and you got my ass gun-burned.’’

  ‘’Your welcome.’’ Sly said.

  The three of them entered the terminal. The bodyguards already had their machine guns up when they arrived.

  ‘’So what you Americans gonna do now?’’ The clerk asked smirking then laughed.

  Without second thought, Jason put down his pajamas. The shine from his sun-blocked balls blinded the trio then Sly and the woman kicked the guards’ asses.

  Jason kicked the clerk’s ankles. Then dropped the old man’s pants. He spit out a pink bubblegum with full force into the clerk’s asshole.

  The clerk screamed in pain.

  ‘’And that’s how you talk with a bubblegum up your ass,’’ Jason said now in an American accent.

Chapter5

Back in America, Jet Li and Dolph were fighting in a toilet shop as Li found out that he betrayed them.

  Dolph tossed him to one commode to another-kicked his face-fractured his ribs then watched him proudly lying on the floor.

  ‘’You yellow men are so small,’’ Dolph said. ‘’Just see how tall I am. Guess how many blows it would take to make me fall down,’’

  ‘’One,’’

  ‘’Huh?’’

  The tall Swedish guy watch Jet Li slide down stopped between his legs and he pounded his cock with his fists.

  Dolph’s eyes turned small as he hung on to his dick for dear life.

  ‘’’See how small you look kneeling in front of me now,’’ Jet Li said standing over his knelt body. ‘’You even look like me with that face expression.’’

Chapter6

The fighting trio reached the airplane.

  ‘’I can’t go with you,’’ the woman said.

  ‘’’Why not?’’ Sly asked.

  ‘’My father is a general.’’ She replied. ‘’He’s the man who you have been sent to kill.’’

  He watched as she ran away from them.

  ‘’Come on Sly.’’ Jason shouted standing by the door inside.

  Sly entered the plane and took the pilot’s position in the cockpit. They were in the sky being paraded with bullets from the port by henchmen.

  ‘’Turn back.’’ Jason ordered entering the cockpit.

  ‘’Are you crazy?!’’ 

  ‘’Yeah we’re supposed to be. It’s an action movie. Action meaning for people who are too lazy to move their own tired asses and instead stand to watch us,’’

  ‘’Okay,’’ Sly took a U-turn and was approaching the port-bridge again.

  Jason was outside of the plane in a room with a machine gun attached. He told Sly on the Bluetooth to push the red button.

  He accidentally pressed the green one and a giant stream of yellow liquid poured down on the enemies. Then big brown gooey objects followed.

  ‘’Jason I didn’t know we had bombs on this plane!’’ Sly exclaimed over the radio.

  ‘’You idiot that’s the toilet disposal. You just threw urine and loads of shut on them with some covered with shit from last week’s pizza. But it worked! They died of the stench and chocked on the dump!’’

Chapter7

That night…

  The team was assembled at the back of a garage shop without Dolph. The tattooist on a motorcycle entered the area.

  ‘’Mickey I think I’m in love,’’ Sly told him as he got off the bike.

  ‘’I know what you’re going through. I saved this chick from a 100 gangs in Spain many years ago. Turned out she was a lesbo. So I faked her suicide by hanging her neck over a gorilla’s balls. It even came in the papers. But I got no credit.’’ The tattooist recalled. 

  ‘’So are you all ready for one final mission?’’ Sly asked his former team.

  ‘’Yeah!’’ They all said together.

  ‘’Then let’s kick ass!’’

  ‘’First I’ve got to take care of something,’’ Jason said jumping on a bike then taking off.

  ‘’Hey wait!’’ Mickey called. ‘’That’s my bike!’’

Jason checked his girlfriend’s tits in her house then drove her to the local basketball court.

  ‘’Oh, it’s baldy with his flat-breasted bitch!’’ The boyfriend mocked and laughed with his basketball mates.

  ‘’She’s not a bitch, she’s a whore!’’ He beat everyone unconscious except the boyfriend.

  The boyfriend was knocked down onto the hard ground.

  He raised his hands in fright trying to slide back. ‘’Please I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ll give her big titties-no wait, the biggest titties!’’

  Jason took a gas pump lying on the side of the court near the hoop. He pulled down the boyfriend’s pants and inserted the tubes into his ball-sack.

  ‘’No, wait!’’ The boyfriend screamed.

  Jason pumped until his balls were about to explode. Then he lifted the boyfriend up.

  ‘’This is what I meant by basketballs.’’ He threw the man over the hoop.

  The larger-than-life sized balls exploded just by touching the metal.

Chapter8

‘’Where are they my daughter?’’ The General asked.

  They were in a room with three bodyguards. His daughter was lying on a table with two men holding her arms outstretched while the third poured water over her cloth-covered face.

  ‘’In the next step we’ll use a gorilla’s semen.’’ The General warned her. ‘’That means that another gorilla will be blamed for murder in Spain!’’

  Sly entered the room busting down the door. Then he shot everyone standing including the General and escaped with his daughter.

‘’Where’s your girlfriend Sly?’’ Jason asked.

  ‘’With the American leader,’’ Sly said sadly. ‘’We’ve got to save her.’’

  They were hiding behind the pillars of the palace. At least a hundred guards were armed outside for their leader’s signal.

  ‘’isn’t it strange that in Chinese action movies the hero gets hurt when the villains are holding knives. In Hollywood, we dodge a million bullets even though we’re 4-5 men.’’ Jason said ironically to Sly.

  Sly signaled for Terry to bring out the Ultimate Grenade Launcher. ‘’I’ll have to plant the last bomb inside the house myself. You all crush their balls-bye!’’

  Terry came out of the shadows and shot his semen-filled grenades all over the henchmen while the others used their weapons. ‘’I’m spider-man!’’

  And this was against at least a hundred armed enemies!

Sly entered a hallway and saw Stone Cold standing alone on the other side. Both men walked to each other with their heavy footsteps echoing through the hallway.

  ‘’I guess it’s time for the final match,’’ Sly said.

  ‘’Get your gear ready,’’ Stone Cold took out a controller from his jacket pocket and watched his rival do the same.

  Both of them began playing Ashes on the PS3 connected to a Sony 3D-TV.

  ‘’Bowled you!’’ Stone Cold shouted in joy.

  Unknown to him, Sly was rubbing a blade on a cricket bat’s edge.

  ‘’Oh, Stone Cold please take off your 3D specs for just one second.’’ Sly said politely standing at his side.

  ‘’You’re speaking like my mo-ah!!!’’ Stone Cold screamed as his head cut off with the bat’s sharpened edge just when he took the glasses off.

Chapter9

‘’Drop your guess Sly,’’ The American leader told him.

  He was standing on top of a giant boulder holding the heroine tightly in his grasp.

  ‘’Or I’ll shoot her,’’ The villain continued.

  Sly was bending down to throw away his gun when the villain aimed his pistol at him. Sly raised the gun in a split second and fired his shout onto the neck.

  The bullet noise was accompanied by the echo of a knife slash. Sly saw with a grin that a knife had been thrown into the leader’s balls.

  ‘’So what do you say mate?’’ Jason asked quickly appearing beside Sly. ‘’Is the bullet faster or the blade?’’

  Sly laughed. ‘’My come shot.’’

Aftermath

‘’So you all did the final mission without me,’’ Dolph said.

  He was lying on the floor with a cast around his dick. He saw Jet Li laughing at from the end of the room.

  The team, Mickey and the two girls were celebrating with bottles of wine at the back of the garage.

  ‘’Jason I bet you can’t hit the bulls-eye at the far end of this room from here.’’ His girlfriend challenged.

  Jason took out his pocketknife and started pacing around the room.

  ‘’Let me start by declaring a poem.’’ Jason said.

  Not this literal shit again, Sly thought frowning.

‘’What began as a black kill

Continued with a bubblegum ass drill

Then the girlfriend’s tits were bitten

Found out they were actually by my furry kitten

Dolph’s back and his eyes look Chinese

Sly’s soon-to-be wife has a pussy yet to be filled with cheese

So Obama I thank you

For making Black Ops go nude

And my blade says this

Hey bulls-eye you’re a pussy and here’s a kiss.’’

  He swung the knife and accidentally landed straight onto Dolph’s balls.

-The End?-

A parody of The Expendables (2010) based on the original screenplay by David Callaham and Sylvester Stallone.

#TheExpendablesParody #TheExpendables #SylvesterStallone #Parody 

Plot: After Sylvester’s team fails to save Pakistani sailors from Somali pirates, he must gather his group for one final mission.