Nisar Sufi presents
BattleFish
Parody of the 2012 sci-fi action movie Battleship starring Taylor Kitsch and Rihanna in the lead roles.
Plot: Hassan and Shahwath must save the entire planet from an alien invasion.
Intro
IN 2005, SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET BELIEVED TO HAVE A CLIMATE NEARLY IDENTICAL TO EARTH.
IN 2006, NASA BUILT A TRANSMISSION DEVICE FIVE TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY BEFORE IT, AND A PROGRAM TO CONTACT THE PLANET BEGAN.
IT WAS KNOWN AS THE CONDOM PROJECT
ALSO IN 2006, A MALE TEENAGER GAVE BIRTH, AFTER FUCKING HIMSELF…
Present day, Condom Project Center.
‘’We sent a signal to the target planet.’’ The lead scientist announced. ‘’Luckily, they don’t know we’re Americans so they’ll think it’s a friendly message. Or what I like to call it, SMS to outer space.’’
Rehan was one of the innovators of this project and sat next to his colleagues behind more than 20 computer screens.
‘’You know this will be like the British discovering India. But this time we’re the Indians.’’ Rehan told a female colleague who slapped him because she was from Delhi.
Another goddamn bar, America.
‘’Happy birthday baby brother!’’
A lonely but stylish guy was listening to that song.
‘’Happy birthday to you…’’ The elder brother finished along with the bartender.
He handed him a shot of Barbican. ‘’So what’s your birthday wish this time?’’ Shahwath asked.
Hassan saw a petite blonde’s legs behind him. His eyes were steadily moving upwards to her sexy ass.
‘’Oh, no, No way Bro!’’ Shahwath shouted at him.
‘’What?’’
‘’Don’t make a wish on a girl. It always turns out bad. Trust me. My girlfriend stole my heart. Then my ex-best friend stole my diary. And one of them probably stripped me of my laptop.’’
‘’I want to fuck her in the anus.’’
‘’Dude you proposed to your last 3 lover’s dads like that. And those were epic fails.’’
Hassan put on his black leather jacket, shook the cool designer chain on his wrist, and made his way to where the girl now stood.
She was arguing with the bartender.
‘’What seems to be the problem?’’ He asked both of them.
‘’I need a chicken shawarma but I forgot this is was an American bar.’’ The blonde said tossing her hair sexually.
She was the epitome of hotness. And Hassan couldn’t wait to shove his harees into her-
‘’So could you stop fantasizing about me and get a shawarma already?’’ She reminded.
‘’Oh right.’’ He ran out of the bar.
The grocery was some inches away to the front. And it was closing.
‘’No wait! Just need a chicken shawarma. See there it is $3.99. What the fuck? She should’ve ordered beef jerky.’’ Hassan told the female cashier.
‘’Why ’cause beef jerky’s black? I ain’t opening this door for a racist like you.’’ She left with the keys and drove her Escalade out of the parking.
Hassan was not a quitter. He used his Iphone to digitally disarm the cameras inside and also to open the front door. He grabbed a shawarma on his way out.
Suddenly, just as he got outside, he had an urge to unzip his leather jeans. He started peeing on the grocery’s wall and a police car caught him.
He ran for his life and the sirens made his brother and crush exit outside.
‘’Here I got your chicken shawarma.’’ He handed it to her before getting tased by the officers.
Chapter1
‘’I can’t believe this Hassan!’’ Shahwath was pacing angrily outside the bathroom.
Hassan was inside an ice-cube water filled tub.
‘’It’s not a big deal.’’ Hassan said drowsingly.
‘’Not a big deal!? Do you know who that sexy chick was? The Admiral’s daughter. What about my fucking reputation?’’
Hassan got out of the tub, buck naked. He checked his backside in the mirror. There were two holes on his hip.
‘’They tased me in the ass.’’
‘’Younger Bro you’re going into the Navy.’’ Shahwath said proudly entered the room. ‘’As an entertainer.’’
‘’What?’’
‘’Just kidding.’’
‘’We’re here for the annual Navy Sports in Hawaii. Today the official match is between USA and Japan. Fortunately, it’s in soccer not in electronics.’’ The commentator declared.
The score was US 1: Japan 2.
Hassan was kicked in the balls accidentally nearing the goalpost.
‘’Sorry dude the ball was near your balls.’’ Saimul told him.
‘’WTF man! That was a foul. Referee is Asian so you got away with it.’’
‘’Calm down. We got a penalty. You were gonna miss anyway.’’ Shahwath patted him on the back.
Hassan knelt down to get the power in his ballsack working. Shahwath was going to give another teammate the penalty but Hassan insisted.
So there he was in the 90th minute. One goal and the scores were leveled.
‘’Hey Hassan!’’ His girlfriend called.
He gazed at the crowd.
‘’Don’t miss or you’re gonna miss these.’’ She lifted up her shirt revealing a cut-up football used as a bra.
Hassan was fully motivated. He did a small run-up like Ronaldhino and kicked the ball hard. It was elevated in the air and a bicycle kick landed it in between – his GF’s tits.
The next event was the Navy ceremony. This would be the first time that the US and Japan would be co-operating together for sea warfare.
An old man was explaining to a 9-year old kid and his parents the comparison between the last remaining WW2 Battleship, and the new Destroyer.
‘’So which one’s better Sir?’’ The lad asked politely.
Hassan stopped his jog to the ceremonial ship to chat with him.
‘’See the old battleship had male strippers. But now that women are allowed to be in the Navy we can satisfy ourselves on board.’’
The parents tried to pull their child away. ‘’Are you a Captain?’’
‘’No kid. But better than an entertainer.’’
Hassan and his GF Cheryl finally boarded the deck. The Admiral was already midway through his speech. Cheryl gave her man a good-luck kiss and then he joined the standing sailors.
‘’This year the American Navy and the Japan Navy will initiate the training games together.’’ The 6 foot 4-inch tall Admiral declared.
‘’Whoa that guy looks just like Liam Neeson.’’ Hassan told Shahwath who stood next to him.
‘’Yeah dumbass ’cause he is Liam Neeson. The character he played in Taken was absolutely real, just that his legitimate daughter couldn’t star as she got raped on set.’’ He explained.
The Admiral started announcing last year’s best captains. Unfortunately, Hassan’s name wasn’t mentioned.
Shahwath gave his brother a better-luck-next-time playful pat on the butt then left the join the called-in crew.
Hassan felt another pat on the ass. It was by Saimul.
‘’Hey I thought you were gay.’’ The Japanese guy said raising his hands.
‘’That was my brother you small-eyed twat.’’
They were about to have a Fight Night but Hassan’s GF cut in.
‘’Look Dad’s alone. Go and make the fucking proposal.’’ She reminded him.
Hassan turned his attention to the Admiral. He turned his head winked.
This guy gives me the creeps, Hassan thought.
The hero ran for the ship’s washroom.
He splashed water on his face so hard that it wet his pants.
‘’Damn how do they control it on the Nivea Facewash ads?’’ He muttered angrily.
‘’Seems you chickened out of the proposal.’’ Saimul entered the restroom. ‘’I’d like to get a taste of your girlfriend’s oiled legs.’’ The Japanese licked his lips slowly.
‘’How about I shove a Kentucky Fried Chicken leg up your ass?!’’
Syed Ali, Hassan’s crew member, entered the bleak corridor. He heart strand sounds from behind the door.
‘’How about I shove my Sony-branded dick up your arse?’’
‘’It’s not arse you bitch. Arse is British English!’’
Then Syed Ali heard banging noises. He innocently reported it to the Admiral.
‘’This is a disgrace. This is a fucking disgrace!’’ Liam Neeson shouted.
‘’And I thought the Irish didn’t swear.’’ Saimul whispered to Hassan.
He sat on a chair across from the two lads who were at stand-ease at the end of the room. Both Japanese and American heads were inside the room.
‘’You know why we added a crew member like Veena Malik on board? So that the homosexuality rate in the Navy would decrease to zero. And that was the score last year.’’ The Admiral continued.
He stood up and ordered everyone except Hassan to leave the premises. They were eye-to-eye now.
‘’My daughter said you had something to tell me?’’ Neeson asked in a devilish whisper.
Hassan felt the blistering breath. ‘’Negative Sir.’’
‘’Do you hear that Captain?’’
Hassan nodded his head. ‘’Sounds like an oil leak, Sir.’’
‘’No Captain. That’s the sound of your frightened piss running down my antique shoes.’’
Chapter2
There were 3 giant destroyers lined up in front for the training games on sea level. 2 belonged to the brothers, and 1 was of the Japanese.
On board, the two brothers were giving orders quite contrary to each others’.
‘’Listen crew we’re here to fuck the others in the anus.’’ Hassan commanded his team.
‘’We must no use offensive words while in combat. Especially the F word. For those of you who are of Bangladeshi origin I am not referring to fish.’’ Shahwath announced.
‘’Winning is the absolute motherfucking goal of this ship. Losing is not a motherfucking option.’’ Hassan said.
‘’Whether we win or lose we will still be loved, like the Pakistan cricket team.’’
‘’So let’s fuck!’’
‘’Let’s pray silently then embark.’’
Suddenly, a huge flash of light blinded every person on the in-front ships. There were two metallic figures. Between them a submerged figure emitted two laser beams that made an X sign. The three of them made an XXX sign. They were about 15 minutes away from the three Destroyers.
‘’Sir I think the Japanese are trying to distract us with porn.’’ Veena Malik said standing up. ‘’Am I permitted to catch them off guard with these?’’
She unbuttoned her shirt revealing two colossal boobies.
It took 5 whole minutes for Hassan to close his drooling mouth. ‘’No we must counterattack violently. But you can distract me later on.’’
‘’Sir, I just got a message on the intercom. This is not the Japanese.’’ Syed Ali reported.
So Hassan and his two most trusted subordinates were on a speedboat to the XXX signs.
‘’Syed Ali why the heck is this speedboat so slow?’’ Hassan asked tediously.
‘’Sir the engine is from the most powerful travelling source in Pakistan. The Rickshaw.’’
So after half an hour they reached the figures. Veena had to wake Hassan up for the checking.
The hero jumped upon the metallic surface in the middle and analyzed the platform. The side ones were like gigantic Transformers.
The design on the metal was of Microsoft Xbox White. An oversized power button was located just in front of where Hassan stood.
‘’Sir, I think that’s a bad idea.’’ Ali noticing his boss’s body language.
‘’Relax I have one of these babies at home.’’ He pressed the button and was thrust backwards by an electromagnetic force.
He landed on the speedboat out cold.
Veena tried splashing a bucket of water on his face but it backslided to wake him up. Frustrated she smashed her boobs against his face.
He woke up sluggishly. ‘’Am I in boobie heaven?’’
‘’No, but we’re all gonna be in Justin Bieber heck if we don’t get outta here.’’ Ali helped him up.
The two robot ships on the side were stretched to their full height now. They had their attention set on the boat.
‘’We have to get my brother out of there.’’ Shahwath said from his ship. ‘’Somebody please blow the siren.’’
A former sumo-wrestler placed the mike close to his ass and farted. The sound vibrated through the air but had no effect on the robotic vessels or the rickshaw-engine boat.
In response the aliens used their siren. The fart noise made the people on the boat have their ears bled. The obverse windows on all 3 destroyers broke into shards.
‘’See there must be human life on there.’’ The ex-sumo suggested happily. ‘’Aliens can’t fart.’’
‘’Remind me to get our siren fixed the next time.’’ Shahwath patted his sweaty forehead. ‘’If we have a next time.’’
The silver lining was that the force from the alien siren sent the three sailors with full speed to the respective destroyer. Hassan was about to embark on his vessel when he saw his brother and most of the crew standing on their destroyer’s side-deck.
Shahwath gave a middle-finger before the ship blew into nothingness.
‘’Nooo!’’ Hassan broke his lungs.
He entered the cabin in shock. ‘’Let’s take this baby to the broken destroyer!’’
Everybody had a poker face on.
‘’I said let’s take this baby to that destroyer. What’s the fucking matter with you all!?’’
Syed Ali put a comforting hand on Hassan’s shoulder. ‘’I have sad news. There’s no survivor from the wreckage.’’
‘’Whoa! I wasn’t going there to save anybody. I needed to recover Shahwath’s hard-disk porn. That American-Bangladeshi was adopted anyways.’’
The Japanese tried firing on the two alien ships but there was no damage. In turn, they got their destroyer blown up but luckily the smart crew members jumped into the water anti-obliteration.
‘’Sir, I’m afraid you forgot that Shahwath’s laptop was stolen.’’ Syed Ali reminded him. ‘’And now that your brother is dead we have no one to rely on. You are now our new Captain.’’
‘’And my first fucking order is to blow those outerworld bitches into smithereens!’’ He shouted in anger. ‘’Everybody in battle positions. Veena on navigation.’’
Syed Ali shook his head depressingly while the others hesitantly took their position. ‘’Sir, there are survivors.’’
‘’I don’t give a fuck.’’
‘’Sir, there are survivors.’’
‘’Fuck them.’’
Syed Ali started slapping the shit out of Hassan until he finally agreed to save the Japanese Navy.
Chapter3
Cheryl entered the Disabled Gym. There was an argument proceeding in the nearest training room.
‘’I can’t do it.’’ A fat black guy muttered.
‘’You’re on level 1. Just a bit more thrust.’’ The trainer said optimistically.
The negro moved his hips roughly back and forth. There was a cinema-sized screen of a hot brunette kneeling down. Her face was upturned and she kept repeating: ‘Give it to me’.
‘’Get this fucking thing off me.’’ He was saying about the straps on his round hips. ‘’Get them off now!’’
The black guy and Cheryl were sitting across each other in her office.
She had an Iphone and was seemingly typing notes on it.
‘’So Mahboob it says on your file that you left the Military because you no longer felt like a man.’’ She read from the cell.
‘’Yeah well, if you lost your dick when the Vietnamese guy had a chainsaw then you would feel exactly like that.’’
‘’And it says here that last night your prosthetic penis peed in multiple locations?’’
‘’What are you reading exactly?’’
‘’Your Twitter page.’’
‘’What the f-‘’
‘’Now let’s get moving. I’ve found a perfect place for us to practice on.’’ She interrupted.
Then she put a hand on his thigh and although the blood rushed to his testicles, his fake penis still flopped to get up.
Chapter4
The remaining Navy was lifting Japanese sailors up from the remnants. Hassan helped Saimul got on board and also aided him on the way to the cabin.
‘’I’m surprised you American boys are helping us.’’ Saimul told him taking a seat on a bench.
‘’Why’s that?’’
‘’Because this is a Nisar Mustafa parody. And he’s a well-known racist.’’
Syed Ali tried contacting the fleet. But a forcefield of the aliens separated them from the remaining ships and the rest of the world literally. Nothing could enter or go out.
‘’Damnit! We got no signal to anybody.’’ Syed Ali broke the intercom with his head and lucky for them there was an extra device.
‘’I received this on my waterproof Iphone before the forcefield emerged.’’ Saimul handed it to Ali who played the news coverage on all screens via USB.
It was CNN (Chootiya News Network) with an American anchorwoman reporting. ‘’This just in. Multiple UFO sightings across the globe. All these see seem to have an X-Box design. An interview with Bill Gates was conducted recently.’’
The news-room shifted to several mikes in front of the Microsoft innovator’s face. ‘’No, Microsoft has nothing to do with these sightings. I may have poisoned Steve Jobs but have no clue whatsoever on this E.T. flop.’’
The outlook shifted to the newscaster again. ‘’Authorities are now investigating the proposed murder of the Apple co-founder. In other more vital news, a man married himself in Denmark today. This declares the first asexual marriage following bisexual and even trisexual unions-‘’
Hassan disconnected the USB cable.
‘’Ali can you believe that?’’ Veena asked him in a low voice.
‘’I know right. Bill Gates a murderer-‘’
‘’No man. I meant a man marrying himself.’’ She interrupted.
A harsh airwave rattled the whole ship for a few seconds. Syed Ali went to the deck to check it out. He came back moments later. ‘’Captain I just saw two big flying DVDs heading to shore. They have X-Box material all over them and a title: Call of Outerwordly.’’
And he was right. The airforce base was attacked by those extraterrestrial disks with ten times the size. Afterwards, one landed on the beach. A bikini showdown was occurring. The DVD landed right across from the tanned winner. But after analyzing her it did not attach, and jumped backwards crushing more than a dozen jammed cars on the road.
Chapter5
Cheryl and Mahboob were walking upwards on the steep mountain pathway. Mahboob got tired and stopped in his tracks, panting.
‘’What’s the matter King Kock? No wonder you don’t feel like a man.’’ She mocked to motivate.
‘’I thought you were referring to go to a strip club when you seduced me.’’ He told her, hands on knees.
Cheryl noticed a destroyer on the sea. She was surprised that there was only a single vessel while the training games were going on.
A Ranger’s 4-W vehicle came up to them. A uniformed officer came out of the car.
‘’Sir and Ma’am I’m afraid it’s not safe to be here.’’ He advised them.
‘’Can’t you see I’m busy trying to teach him to be a man.’’ Cheryl said pointing at the sweaty Mahboob.
‘’My friend don’t trust her. Once you go gay there’s no straight way.’’ The office gave a confident thumbs up. ‘’I will leave a car here so that you can drive back.’’
He entered his car and went back from where he came from.
‘’What’s so dangerous that we can’t be here?’’ She noticed Mahboob taking an AK-47 out from the trunk.
Suddenly, a sound was heard from behind them. There was someone inside the bushes.
‘’Show yourself.’’ Mahboob called with assault rifle pointed.
A nerdy 30something year old guy came out from hiding with his hands up. ‘’Guys you’ll never believe me. There are aliens at the mountain top. And-‘’
He stopped when saw Mahboob’s erect dick.
‘’Is he high for the aliens!?’’ Rehan freaked out.
‘’It’s malfunctioning again,’’ Mahboob sighed trying to fix his phony dick.
‘’Take a deep breath, come over here and explain your sci-fi story.’’ Cheryl told him. ‘’And Mahboob put down that rifle. You’re freaking him out.’’
‘’I work for NASA on their Hawaii based. Some months ago we sent a signal to another planet. Now they sent us the whole cavalry. And they’re trying to set up their own satellite system at the top to contact home.’’ Rehan explained the unbelievable tale.
‘’I’ll have to contact that remaining destroyer. Is there anything operational around here?’’ Cheryl questioned hopefully.
‘’There’s a special transmitter in my office. But it’s impossible to get it. Those aliens are swarming around there.’’
‘’It’s possible ’cause you’re gonna get it.’’ Mahboob told the scientist.
‘’But I’m a scared piece of shit. How am I supposed to-‘’
He agreed when Mahboob placed the rifle’s front on Rehan’s balls.
Hassan was busy in his office when there was a knock on the door.
‘’Who is it’’ Can’t you see the ’Do not disturb’ sign on the knob?’’ Hassan shouted in response.
‘’Captain we’ve discovered something on deck. Brought it inside for examination.’’ Syed Ali announced.
Hassan opened the door. Ali was bewildered to see Veena in the background buttoning her blouse.
‘’Take me to it.’’ Hassan said causing Ali to divert his gaze.
The something was actually a 6-feet tall figure lying peacefully on the floor. Some other sailors, including Saimul, stood about it.
The figure was actually the Master Chief from Halo.
‘’Has anybody seen the face behind the mask?’’ Hassan asked.
‘’I haven’t even seen it inside the game. And I’m from Japan.’’ Saimul replied staring silently at the alien.
The two bent down to take off the mask. A liquid squirted on to Saimul’s face. He rubbed it off then tasted it on his fingers.
‘’Tastes like come.’’ He declared.
The alien had a long dark-haired beard. And the exterior was tanned.
‘’Osama Bin Laden is Master Chief?’’ Ali questioned his sanity.
The alien suddenly woke up and grabbed Saimul’s balls with his gloved hand. Saimul felt all the porn history deleting from his mind.
Syed Ali managed to pull the Chief backwards and all of a sudden an explosion caused the back door to burst open.
Everybody was on the floor. Three Master Chiefs but with different colored suits emerged. Two of them maneuvered the unmasked soldier out to the DVD-shaped miniship. The remaining Chief stared at the fallen.
Hassan could see him leaving a few moments later in his concussion. And then all of them were gone.
Chapter6
Another Master Chief, this time in pink attire, broke into the engine cabin. Syed Ali tried to punch and kick the sci-fi bastard off the engine’s direction but was unsuccessful each time.
Ali spit on his hands and rubbed them together. Then there was a death wish – for the alien! Syed Ali banged his head like a human torpedo and Master Chief was broken in half.
Veena and Hassan were busy fighting another Chief on the upper floor. They had their assault rifle knocked away. The chick motioned the alien soldier to follow her outside. Hassan understood the signal and ran to the control room. He saw on the deck camera that Veena was literally on the edge.
She ripped her shirt open. The Master Chief stopped in his tracks trying to analyse the tits. Hassan was in such a dreamy state that she had to shout at the camera to wake him up.
The hero fired from the turret and a cannon ball hit the fiend’s ass and he was now carried overboard. Veena was saved by her boobs’ weight as she lay on the floor.
It was night-time when the peak trio reached the outside of the scientist’s office. Rehan took off his clothes as Mahboob ran mud over his body for camouflage.
He slithered on the grass like a snake to his place. He ran to the briefcase inside and turned to face a Master Chief.
Moments later he returned to the others who were hiding behind the scrubs.
‘’Jesus I thought that son of a Predator broke you I half?’’ Mahboob said opening up the case.
‘’I just wished I could file sexual harassment charges against an extraterrestrial.’’ Rehan sighed.
‘’We are so fucked!’’ Hassan shouted to the rest.
Everybody was at the control room listening to the inspiring speech of their leader.
‘’Captain there’s a call on line one.’’ Syed Ali held out the mike for him.
‘’Ahan! So those bastards are trying to communicate now. But I acquired a secret language to deter them.’’ He grabbed the mike proudly. ‘’Teri behen di chood mai Pathan da lora.’’
‘’Hassan are you speaking Urdu from that Taliban course?’’ His lover asked.
‘’Oh, Cheryl. I thought they were terrorists. How did you get a signal? And don’t tell me you fucked somebody from NASA.’’
‘’It’s a long story. The aliens are trying to contact their home planet on the Oahu hill-top. You have to stop them-‘’
There was static. And the signal was finally lost.
Chapter7
Hassan, Saimul, Veena and Ali were huddled over a Hawaii map.
‘’There is only one way to kill the fiends.’’ Saimul told them. ‘’Attack the enemy where they aren’t.’’
‘’Yeah, that’s the line from the Kama Sutra.’’ Hassan said.
‘’No dumbass that’s an Indian sex manual. This is from the Art of War.’’
‘’No wonder my sex life improved and my professional life didn’t.’’ Hassan sighed.
Saimul went over to the PS3 and inserted a Blu-ray disk. The game came up on the main LCD screen titled Call of Duty: Naval Warfare.
‘’Why wasn’t that released in the US?’’ Ali asked eyeing the screen as if it were a porno.
‘’Because this shows the training we used to attack you fuckers at Pearl Harbor.’’ Saimul replied.
When Saimul started the game it showed a giant radar. A red dot beeped in the distance.
‘’How did you detect it?’’ Veena asked curiously.
‘’Easy my dear. Every year thousands of Japanese tourists masturbate on the Hawaiian sea. So this Japanese-manufactured game detects enemy positions using the line-up of semen.’’ Ali muttered.
Saimul took a seat in front of the main screen. He told Veena to the other navigational seat.
‘’Now instead of a normal compass with north and south. This radar has names of famous pornstars. This way the Americans in Japan thought it was a sex videogame.’’ Saimul laughed wholeheartedly but the others didn’t.
‘’The beeping is increasing.’’ Veena announced.
‘’Kayden Kross.’’ Saimul ordered.
Veena shot at the direction but the alien ship maneuvered out of the way.
‘’Motherfucka is as slick as Tyson.’’ Hassan patted his forehead in frustration.
‘’I’ve got a better idea.’’ Saimul added.
This time when the alien ship was very close by and about to leap Saimul gave the order Riley Steele. And one ship was sunk.
Everybody celebrated. Veena rubbed her tits on Hassan’s face. Luckily, Ali pulled her away before he was about to get suffocated.
Two ships were headed this way. With the names Jenna Jameson and Jesse Jane they were annihilated.
‘’Now that’s what I call the Art of Pain.’’ Hassan said victoriously.
A young sailor entered the cabin. ‘’Just saw something from the deck. Remember that X sign in the middle. It just revealed itself and it’s bigger than Sunny Leone’s Jism 2 ticket sales.’’
‘’No!’’ Saimul exclaimed.
A shot was fired onto nothing. He turned the PS3 off.
‘’Shit now we have only one shot left and that fucked needs at least two to sink like the Titanic.’’ Veena declared the sad news.
The young sailor approached his Captain with an Iphone.
‘’Sir, look at his.’’ He said.
‘’Look dude I’ve already seen the nude pics of your slutty GF-‘’
‘’No, it’s not that. I was doing research on Google on the weaknesses of Master Chief. So a blog details that the lead Halo character has a weakness for giant boobies. And-‘’
‘’Do we still have those entertainer away in the basement?’’ Hassan asked.
‘’Yes Sir.’’
‘’People let’s go backwards to the Oahu Island I’ve got a plan!’’ Hassan announced with newborn buoyancy.
Mahboob and Cheryl were on their way to stop the alien freaks from setting up the satellite uplinks. Rehan was too scared shitless to enter the vehicle so was left behind. After bumping into the boulders and knocking out some Master Chiefs and satellites, the vehicle came on to a halt.
It had crashed into the last boulder.
‘’Shit I think I got a glass shard stuck in my vagina.’’ Cheryl gasped.
Mahboob tried to pick it out but he saw an alien approach the side of the car on the sideview mirror.
He slammed the door on his torso. Then he speared the freak onto another boulder. He dragged him onto the ground pounding his fists on the helmet’s glass-shield in frenzy.
‘’Haha how do you like me now alien-shit?’’ Mahboob mocked.
His joy was cut short when the Chief pulled out his prosthetic dick. Mahboob fell onto the ground crying like a little bitch.
All of a sudden a dark figure appeared knocking down the Chief. Mahboob saw them brawl on the grass. Rehan gave him a hand to get him to his feet.
‘’Whoa how did you defeat that thing?’’ Mahboob asked. ‘’And why are you still in camo?’’
‘’Let’s just say I used alien-style on him.’’ Rehan gave a thumbs up.
But they were hopeless as the other aliens continued to build up the uplinks. And time was running out.
Chapter9
Dawn was soon approaching. The alien ship was getting nearer and the destroyer was just approaching the shore.
‘’Okay now to use the tactic.’’ Hassan rubbed his hands anxiously. ‘’You-‘’
‘’Sir, we have a slight problem.’’ Ali told him.
‘’What now?’’
‘’Our fuel’s out. Veena gave it to Saimul as a lubricant.’’
‘’Fuck we’re so fucked!’’ But then Hassan saw a beacon of hope out the window. ‘’Ali’s get us to that port.’’
Some minutes later they were on another ship – the BattleFish. This was built by the Bangladeshis helping America in World War 2. Back then Bangladesh didn’t exist but a group of East Indians had a small village named Bangladesh in Hawaii.
The old sailors of Hawaii approached Hassan and he gave the first one a firm handshake.
‘’Gentlemen you have given this country more than anyone could ask for. But I’m asking – I’m asking you to give a fuck about the entire planet to be shit-deep in alien filth.’’
Another aged sailor lifted up a long sheet of paper that ran in rolls on the floor. ‘’This is our retirement contract. We had to give our mothers away at Pearl Harbor. Now we’re gonna visit strip clubs to spend all our pensions before Judgment Day.’’
Hassan saw the elderly group walk away. They were blown into bits in seconds.
‘’We’re under attack!’’ Hassan laid flat on the floor face-down.
Then he saw Syed Ali holding a rocket launcher. He stared at him, too embarrassed of Ali for words.
‘’What? They were days away from dying anyway.’’ Ali shrugged his shoulders.
Thirty minutes later they were all set up on the BattleFish. In ancient times, the marines had to use analog controls. The sailors were now strapped by their hips and a hole was in front of their naked dick-caps.
They thrust back and forth to start up the engines. And they had to come to hire the turrets. Veena had to steer the ship by continuously licking the steering balls into the respective direction. The old-fashioned binoculars to the outside were on her eyes.
‘’It’s getting ready to sink us!’’ Veena called.
‘’Not if we sink them first.’’ Hassan said. ‘’Ali release the troops.’’
On the signal, Syed Ali sent the Special Ops to the front deck. There were a dozen strippers who showed their silicon items to the rivalry. The sunlight helped the shine deflect to the opposing vessel.
They were blind.
Hassan received a call on the radio. It was Cheryl.
‘’Hassan baby you need to destroy those mountain uplinks. Or a bigger army will reach earth. And I don’t want to give birth to a mini Master Chief.’’ She told him.
Hassan had to make a choice. Saimul placed a reliable hand on his shoulder.
‘’The Kama Sutra.’’ He whispered.
Hassan nodded and turned to call the others. ‘’Have all of you lost your virginity?’’
‘’Aye Captain!’’ They answered back.
‘’Then Veena launch Kama Sutra position 5!’’ The Captain ordered.
The alien ship failed to hit the BattleFish as it shook back and forth in doggystyle.
The last shot was made on the mountain tip. All the uplinks were destroyed and the signal to the home planet failed.
Hassan and Saimul were standing on deck preparing for the inevitable conclusion. The hero saw Saimul quietly reciting an Arabic prayer.
‘’Hey aren’t you Christian?’’ He asked him.
‘’My name’s Saimul not Samuel.’’ He corrected.
Two DVDs were about to slice the battleship in half but they missed. The whole alien ship sank due to the failure of the signal reaching outer space. Nothing extraterrestrial was operative anymore.
Aftermath (1)
Everybody was congratulated in the afternoon for a job well done. Another Navy ceremony had just ended.
‘’Yeah brother who’s top gun now? Huh!?’’ Hassan was busy throwing come-shots on Shahwath’s decorated portrait on the desk in front of the stage.
‘’Uh Hassan?’’ Cheryl came up from behind.
‘’Oh just tearing away for my Bro’s loss.’’
She hugged him and then told him that her Daddy was waiting. Hassan finally had the courage to face the Admiral who was standing tall hands behind his back.
‘’Sir, do I have permission to fuck your daughter in the anus?’’ He blurted out innocently.
‘’Yes,’’ Liam Neeson answered.
‘’Sir, do I have permission to wed your daughter?’’
‘’No.’’
‘’Why Sir?’’
‘’Because fucking my daughter in the anus and marrying her are two different victories.’’ Liam Neeson defined with a raised index finger then winked. ‘’Perhaps we can discuss this over lunch Let’s say a chicken shawarma.’’
Aftermath (2)
A hotel manager was testing out a new spicy Latina maid and was busy eyeing her ass as she bent down to dust. The phone rang.
‘’Hello?’’ He answered the call.
‘’Listen I don’t know who you are-‘’ Liam Neeson spoke into the phone.
‘’Hey buddy I think you’ve got the wrong room.’’
‘’But I will find you. And I will kill you.’’
The caller hung up.
‘’What a lunatic.’’ The manager replaced the receiver.
‘’It was a recording.’’ The maid said without looking back.
‘’Yeah, yeah – wait how’d you know that?’’
She turned around dropping her wig.
‘’Because I’ve found you.’’ Liam Neeson took out a blade from his thigh-strap.
The manager screamed like a gal losing her virginity.
In the opposite room, Hassan and Cheryl were celebrating their runaway honeymoon.
-The End?-
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