The Kangers – Earth’s Mightiest Zeroes
Plot:
A group of elite superheroes must stop Luli (Loki) from ruling over the earth.
Intro
The S.H.I.T team of scientists and armed men and women were arranged in the main laboratory. Professor Mahmud was ready to conduct the earth's greatest experiment.
''By harnessing its power,'' Mahmud told Dick Chudi. ''America will garner an unlimited supply of energy.''
''So boss we'll use it to help loadshedding in Pakistan right?'' Cockeye asked the S.H.I.T Commander.
''Yes, of course.'' Dick replied. ''After we actually get Osama's ass.''
The object of unlimited power began illuminating a shiny white light. Then a figure emerged from the light and it was still not visible clearly after the light had gone.
''Oh no!'' An armed guard shrieked. ''Prof you've made us go blind.''
''No you dumbasses. You've all still got your shades on.'' Mahmud reminded them.
They removed their expensive Ray-ban sunglasses and saw the tooth-pick figures standing at the end of the room.
''Meri behen de phone wich tera number dekha maine behenchod.'' Luli told Dick Chudi.
''He must be from another planet.'' Dick concurred. ''He talks with a dialect I've never heard before.''
''Sir it's actually the language Punjabi.'' Cockeye explanined. ''It's spoken by the majority of Sikhs and Pakistanis. Given the type of dialogue I suggest the former's dialect.''
Luli leaped in the air. Everybody took out their handguns and shot him in every place known to man. The demigod was unharmed and shot a force out of his staff that made the S.H.I.T team fly away.
Cockeye was already hidden behind a computer chair. He was ready to bow a arrow when Luli appeared behind him.
''You've got balls.'' He pierced the pointy end of his magical stick into Cockeye's ballsack.
The arrow-monger's eyes turned pink.
''I think he's turning him into a homo.'' Prof. Mahmud whispered to Dick.
They were also seemingly hidden from Luli's view.
''What is your command Masterfucker?'' Cockeye asked in full hypnotism.
''Suck my god-cock.'' Luli pulled down his pants to reveal a dick the size of a shrimp.
Cockeye knelt down.
''Sir, I suggest we leave this godforsaken – I mean goddamned country.'' Mahmud continued.
''You have no idea what they'll do to your fat white ass once we're in Gambia.'' Dick ran out of his hiding place towards Luli.
Cockeye was trying to catch Luli's shrimp-sized lund with his teeth. Dick Chudi slid down and wrapped his arm hard around Luli's balls from behind.
''Sorry Commander.'' Luli turned around. ''I have no balls.''
''Fuck man what are you?''
''I am the earth's great fucker. Queen Elizabeth is shit in my eyes. Zardari's black money is my white money. I-''
''Okay can we just fight the fuck off? Your lecture is longer that bitchin' wife's tongue.'' Dick began to holster his pistol (which was the same size as Luli's dick) and got punched on the face.
His back hit the far wall and he fell down out cold. Luli stopped Cockeye from sucking his tiny white asshole, and after hypnotizing Mahmud, they took the powerful object leaving the lab.
''Cockeye who's this?'' Humaima Malik, Dick Chudi's ass – I mean – assistant asked.
''This is just a prisoner we're transporting.'' Cockeye told her taking Luli by the arm.
Looks like Justin Bieber's lesbian sister, she thought.
The three hopped on to a buggy.
''H-Humaima...'' Dick's voice was barely audible in the signal.
''Sir, are you okay?'' Humaima asked with concern
''Don't let that shrimp-sized dick bastard get away!''
Humaima turned around but Cockeye shot his arrow first barely missing Humaima who bounced into cover. Mahmud started the buggy and they were off to the hall leading to the exit.
Dick Chudi got up. Mahmud's MacBook read SELF-DESTRUCT BITCH. He exited through the escape panel.
A big Chevrolet was heading towards Luli and his new cocksuckers. And Humaima followed close behind in her Chevrolet sedan. Luli hit his staff hard on the ground and the force carried both opposing vehicle into the air bumping into each other above the fiends' heads. The cars exploded but Humaima had jumped out just before the explosion.
Finally, the buggy was out. A shot barely missed Luli's skinny ass. Dick was firing from a helicopter. Cockeye sent an explosive arrow towards the chopper but Dick jumped off just before the carnage.
He somersaulted on the grass. Then he used his tiny pistol again to shoot Luli. Behind him the whole S.H.I.T headquarters got blown to bits and the tremor made him trip. Luli and his men escaped. The HQ was as big as a city and it was rendered to small pieces of crap.
''Humaima you there?'' Dick Chudi asked through his bluetooth.
''I'm sorry Sir.''
''This isn't your fault.''
''No Sir. I'm sorry of being employed by an idiot who's firing a pistol on a god trying to stop him.''
The Kangers theme song rang. Dick answered his Blackberry.
''Sir is it true what I've just heard?'' Obaid Pathan (a respected S.H.I.T agent) said cautiously.
''Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to shift to another HQ. You have to turn on The Kangers' initiative.''
''No Sir, I mean is it true that you were using a pistol on Luli to stop him from getting away?''
Chapter1
Some godforsaken factory, Russia
A Russian spy wearing full black leather, and white 6-inch heels, was bound by ropes in an old wooden chair. Behind her was blank space, she was just on the edge of falling into the abyss.
Several mobmen stood in front of her. The Boss was some old Russian dude who
looked like the Soviet version of Frankenstein. He had a scar lined up in the middle of his face. His employees joked he had two asses.
''So Natasha Clothesoff,'' he began in Russian. ''Tell me where you got your maiden name?''
''Well, my mother was a hooker.'' She replied.
Everybody went silent but one of the mob started giggling like a hyena. The Boss shot him in the balls.
The Boss signaled to one of his workers to open a briefcase. It had torture devices in its contents.
''Oh nice you brought sex toys.'' Natasha said. ''Must've been given by the bastard
who filled you up in your Mom's womb.''
The Boss took out a gold-plated dagger out and held it against her throat. The chair tilted backwards but the Boss balanced it.
''I hope those Lisa Ann boobs of yours are real.'' He spat on her pretty little face. ''So that it twist your nipples with this.''
He walked to the briefcase and took out an ancient nipple-twister from Syria. Natasha was breathing hard with fright.
The Russian's phone rang. He took out his R (Russian)-phone.
''Hello?'' He answered in Russian then changed to English. ''What? Really? Go fuck yourself.''
''Who was that your American boyfriend?'' Natasha mocked.
The guy who was lying down was shot in the balls again to death when he started laughing.
''Your friend says he will throw a mortar strike here if I don't let you go. But he doesn't realize that by blowing up this place you'll die as well. Hahaha!''
His phone rang again. ''It's for you.'' He gave it to her.
''Yeah, I'm interrogating him right now.''
''I think you're mistaken about who's being interro-''
''Okay I'll meet you outside in 5.'' She interrupted the Russian letting the cellphone slip through her neck. And when the Boss came closer to take it he got kicked in the shin falling between her gigantic boobs.
His face was stuck between the melons. Three men pulled him out and in doing so
the ropes were shredded off. She kicked everyone in the ankle with her poisonous white high heels. She checked the Boss's health before leaving – he had been suffocated.
Village located in the outskirts of Lahore, Pakistan
A little girl was running on the streets. She reached a tall apartment building and ran up the steps. Nearly all rooms emitted sexually-aroused sounds in the hallways. But the girls' Mom had given her a handful of chooriyas to mute out the noise as she ran.
''Meri Ammi ko bachao.'' She finally reached the target bedroom.
The doctor was checking a female patient who was laid on a carpet on the floor. An old lightbulb was swinging slowly from the ceiling. The girl was amazed there was electricity in the room.
''Hum rundio ka doctor hai.'' The American told him.
''She also rundy.'' She showed him a photograph that had no doubt been captured by a non-digital camera.
With those inflated boobs she sure is, he thought devilishly.
''Sahi hai speed bachia.'' The doc agreed. ''By the way who taught you English?'' ''Man of the Serious?'' She replied. ''Aap ko kisne itni bakwaas Urdu sakayi?'' ''Your tutor.'' He replied. ''What I meant in your language: tera baap.''
The girl ran into the broken-down villa and exited through the window. ''Hey girl where is your Mom?!'' He called after her.
I should've entered stayed in Hiramundi, he thought nostalgically.
Out of the shadows a curvy figure emerged. She wearing a tight black-colored shalwar-kameez.
''Well you must not be from Hiramundi.'' The doc said.
''How you know?''
''You don't have a H tattoo on your pussy.'' The doc replied proudly. ''I have X-ray
lenses.''
She sat down on the table with her legs up. ''So how come a tharki doctor invents something like that?''
''Oh you must be from S.H.I.T. Come to take me to a cage in a CIA-based shithole or something. Probably got a full team out for the thing inside me.''
''I've got nothing outside Doctor D'grade.'' Natasha said. ''S.H.I.T and the world needs your help.''
The doctor slid his arms on the table trying to squeeze her nipples. She placed a
pistol right on his ballsack.
Dogs started barking outside. A whole SWAT team came out of hiding and even the little girl grabbed a super-heavy machine gun.
''You ain't working with chickens anymore?'' The tharki doctor asked raising his hands. ''Thought you were subsidizing KFC.''
Chapter2
New York, USA.
Tony Shaat had gotten his dick cut off by a dog in Afghanistan two years ago. It was
the punishment there for shitting in the local tandoor.
Now he wore a special golden-plated suit. Many tried to steal it. Those who failed – well, all of them – suffered the same fate of the Afghani tandoor-offenders.
Shaat was under the NY Sea trying to salvage some Pirates of the Caribbean ships. He needed props to be used in the fifth film.
'''Haaris I found a missing ship-'' he told his computer. ''Now I'm certain the next one'll earn 1 billion bucks worldwide.''
''Sir weren't you supposed to be working for Marvel?'' The computer system asked.
''Well Disney promoted The Avengers. How do you think it became the 3rd highest grosser of all time?''
He flew out of the water by his boosters. He told the system to prepare the Shaat Tower for immediate extraction.
He entered the building through the roof while his suit was being automatically removed. His girlfriend was filling up two glasses of Champaign in the main lounge overlooking the beautiful cosmopolitan view. She wore high heels that complemented her assets which otherwise left to her own devices wouldn't.
''Oh so today must be a special day.'' He came behind her kissing the nape. ''Yeah, it's our wedding anniversary.''
She broke his nose with a fist.
''Bastard we haven't gotten married yet.''
''Fuck I'm lucky the Paparazzi didn't release our sex tape.'' He said referring to her strength.
They sat on the leather sofa taking a toast to the lawyers who saved the incident from occurring.
''I'm sorry to disturb you Sir but Agent Pathan's on the line.'' Haaris informed through the telecomm.
''Tell him to go fuck himself. I'm busy in foreplay.'' Shaat ordered. ''But Sir he says it's urgent.''
''Oh really? The last time he said it was urgent when he had used Nivea Cool Kick shaving cream on his balls. And I had to use my boosters to defrost his cock.''
The elevator door opened. Agent Pathan entered the Shaat Tower lounge.
''How did you get past security?'' Shaat questioned getting up to check his Tower's control panel.
''Well, your password was named after your ex-wife.'' Pathan reminded him.
Shaat's girlfriend Salty Sauce dropped her drinking glass. ''What!?'' ''That info's supposed to be confidential you Pathan.'' Shaat infuriated. ''So how are you Obaid?'' She let him kiss her gentle hand.
''Obaid? Since when did anyone call you Obaid?'' ''Sorry, that info's confidential.'' She owned him.
''Shaat the S.H.I.T HQ had been badly compromised.'' Obaid declared.
Shaat wasn't paying attention. He was playing MW3 multiplayer on the laptop of his own company Shaat. He was shooting a player he named Obaid on the balls with a AK-47 repeatedly.
''And the Tuttaysack has been stolen.'' Obaid continued.
Shaat turned around abruptly. ''Fucking bitch! I'll get it back. That energy's to be used
to generate the electricity in Asia for pornographic films. Digital Playground needs cheap locations.''
''Chudi has decided to launch The Kangers' initiative.'' ''Really?'' Salty asked.
''How the F do you know that data?'' Shaat asked her. ''It's confidential.''
''Fuck, anyways The Kanjers' initiative was a failed plan. They said I didn't do well in the evaluation. That I am not a team-player. That I fuck tuk-tuk like Misbah Ul-Haq.''
''That's true.'' She whispered in Obaid's ear.
''Also that you're a hypocrite.'' Obaid interrupted. ''You wore two-inch heels to appear longer than your girlfriend.''
''Noooo!'' Salty Sauce shrieked. ''I was about to marry a short man.''
And that's the reason my first wife divorced me, Shaat thought with his arms crossed.
Chapter3
Steve Joggers was a soldier in World War 2. He had been frozen in an ice vessel before being resurrected the previous year.
''Fight till your last breath!''
''Knock down that bitch!'' ''Fuck that nigger's wife yo!''
Joggers' memories of the war flooded through his head all the time. Dick Chudi entered the gym hall. An army teenager was watching TV.
''Hey kid you seen Captain Joggers?'' Chudi asked the laid-down lad.
''I think he's in the boxing room.'' He pointed to a beige-colored door without even glancing at the Commander.
Chudi walked up to the door. Joggers' memories started playing again in Blu-ray on
the HD-TV. The Commander heard banging noises inside.
''Poor bastard,'' Chudi murmured to himself. ''Must be training to a sweat.''
He opened the door to see nobody in the training space. Another door was open at the far end.
Banging noises were still coming from there. Dick Chudi saw Joggers trying to release his come sitting on the toilet seat with his pajama off but his USA flag shirt on.
''Can't come?'' Chudi asked.
''You brought the black-and-white porn. But I think my semen's frozen.''
''Well we'll get it fixed later. Right now get your pants on. We have a filthy war to fight. And it's 100% non-racist.''
Captain Joggers got up pulling upwards his all-American lower wear.
''I bet you 10 bucks that this war'll be 100% non-racist. I've been through a war and they're all the same. Well except the fact that we whites owned you blacks. And I woke up in 2012 to find Barack Obama elected president.''
Luli was meditating alone in his room on the floor. He had his own HQ now. S.H.I.T
rival scientists and labor from all around the world had been gathered.
''Why have you called me Luli?'' The figure in dark-grey robes asked not staring at the crouched demigod.
They were on a forsaken planet. The dark space was making the scene appear more
fearful. Fortunately, it wasn't near the sun or it would've felt gay.
''Master Maulana I have the Tuttaysack with me.'' He told the mysterious figure.
Suddenly, the Maulana appeared right in front of him clutching Luli's throat.
''So get the Chithorey onto the stinkin' planet of bikinied lesbians and tanned gays!'' The Maulana had a terrifyingly big stomach and a long beard.
''O-okay I-I'' Luli coughed out.
''What are you trying to say bohnsri?''
''I-I c-can't speak with your grip on my fucking throat.''
He let him go and Luli knelt on the ground in a cock-sucking position.
''I just need to eliminate a threat.'' Luli said clearing his vocal cords.
''Kanjerr de bache teri gaand maara. Warna thaadi ammi, or thaadi behind di luli wich naswar daala?''
''But I don't have a sister.''
Maulana tried to grab Luli one more time but the god disappeared back into his shithole of a reality.
Prof Mahmud entered the bunk. ''Master we're almost done harnessing the power of
the Tuttaysack.''
''Good job Professor.'' Luli got up dusting his shocking-pink attire then patting him on the shoulder. ''If you hadn't would've let your mouth be the first to suck my cock.''
Chapter4
Steve Joggers was rubbing his balls from the outer side. He realized a S.H.I.T agent was checking him out.
''You know in World War 2 we didn't have faggots.'' Jogger reminisced. ''But ever since waking up I've found men unbelievingly turned gay. Like Ricky Martin.''
''I'm not gay Sir.'' The agent straightened out.
They were on a helicopter heading to the latest S.H.I.T base. ''Then what are you? A lesbo?''
''No Captain, a Pathan.'' Obaid replied.
Capt. Joggers stood up to check the front view alongside him.
''You know I made something for you.'' Agent Pathan said enthusiastically. ''What? A PS3 game? It better be PS3. Microsoft can suck my non-erectable dick.'' ''Well, actually a set of trading cards.''
''Whoa cool!''
''The men love them.''
The Captain started rubbing his inflated balls again. He hadn't masturbated since waking up from his hibernation.
Obaid Pathan handed him a bottle. ''This is a great remedy for that. It's called Nivea Cool Kick.''
They landed on the army-type gigantic ship. Captain Joggers met Doctor D'grade outside.
''Hey you must be the one these guys call Captain Motherfucka.'' The doctor said with a handshake.
''And you must be the one they call Milf.''
''Nope.'' But the Captain twisted the doctor's fingers. ''Yeah yeah! I was just testing your IQ.''
A chick with gigantic boobs showed up.
''Just great, Russian sluts.'' Captain Motherfucka sighed. ''Careful Doc they don't swallow.''
''Uh-oh.''
Natasha kicked him in the shin and tried to suffocate him with her bodily artillery. ''Hey he's not immortal like Luli. Let him go.'' Doctor D'grade was trying to pull out
the motherfucker.
Natasha let go and the old-school American fell onto the floor. She started walking back shaking her ass.
''At least tell me your name.'' Captain Motherfucker asked clearing his throat. He got answered by a middle finger.
''She's Natasha Clothesoff AKA White A-Hole.'' The doctor described.
''Could've sworn she's from Hiramundi by her ass. But she's definitely Russian.''
The three were at the edge of the platform now. Their feet just inches away from slipping off into the deep blue sea.
''Great even after Titanic we still maneuver ships.'' The Captain sighed.
''It's not a ship.'' White A-Hole corrected.
All of a sudden, metallic wings appeared underneath the surface and Capt. Motherfucka lost his equilibrium.
''Hey that's not fair!'' The captain emerged from the water spitting some out. ''Clothesoff you held on to the doctor.''
The two males were led into the main hall. Captain Motherfucka saw hundreds of LDC screens lined up. They each showed pornographic black-and-white films featuring stars of every ethnicity. And it was Blu-ray quality.
Joggers handed Dick Chudi 10 bucks before following Natasha's ass again.
Chudi was assembled at the conference room. Four screens showed each of the S.H.I.T founders.
''What made you take matters into your own hands?'' The hot blonde sucking a lollipop asked.
''Excuse me Ma'am?''
''She meant to say why the fuck you launched The Kanjers' initiative?'' Syed Ali, the big-head guy, asked bluntly.
''Because Sir they have saved the earth countless times before.'' One of them even rescued me and your daught- I mean a hooker – from getting killed in a Hiramundi explosion.''
''Ya harami give me falafel.'' The Egyptian guy ordered already having a mouthful.
''Don't you see we're in a meeting right now. So Dick get me a mustache-comb will you?'' The Malvari guy demanded.
''Enough!'' Syed Ali smashed his head on the table breaking it in half. ''Luli was just
spotted in a concert.''
''Where?'' The Commander asked readily. ''You wouldn't believe me if I told you.''
It was a frosty night. Cockeye had created a new type of arrow. He shot it from a distanced hiding position intro a security guard's asshole. The guard couldn't fart so his butt exploded. But the suppressor on the arrow's top made it a silent kill.
The other arrow attack sent shock's through a guard's nipples. Another gave the last guard constipation and he had to enter the toilet which was right next to the target
room.
Cockeye and his small team began working on the armed door. The guard inside the
toilet couldn't hear the loud noises over his excretion audio.
Luli was walking into a well-furnished ballroom. There were expensive chandeliers on
the ceiling and his favorite song was playing.
''Why this Pathan roti, Pathan roti, Pathan roti, Cheap?''
He smiled at every hot chick he met and then sent a laser flash onto one of the
bandmates. His body got sliced in half.
The crowd started panicking and rushing to the exit. Luli grabbed a rich-looking old dude, shoved him on the pool table, and inserted a torture device onto his cock.
''Testicles scan complete.'' The technological device responded.
The security guard walked out of the washroom. Cockeye dropped the utility and aimed the killshot at the dick. But it hit the belt and he slipped off his pulled-down pants. His head fractured after hitting the edge of the urinated toilet seat.
Luli began to stop the crowd outside from running any longer.
''Stop I won't kill you. All you have to do is kneel before me like the oxygen-planet faggots you are.'' He assured them with a devilish grin.
He started walking in between them. ''See how easy that was. You all know this is
your rightful place. To bow down in front of a sexy king, The Godly Slim Shady. The modern Zardari. The white Obama. The-''
''Luli there's a problem.'' A Cockeye team member reported interrupting the long lecture.
''What?!''
''Well, you wanted us to separate the men and women.''
''And?''
''That's the thing.'' We don't know which gender everybody falls in.'' Luli realized everybody was in burka.
''Which hypocritical country have I forged into?'' The demigod demanded.
''Kabul, Afghanistan Sir.''
One of the cloaked people stood up removing the veil. It was a French-bearded old Afghani wearing his stolen wife's abaya.
''I don't bow to pussies like you.'' He said headstrong.
Luli thought pussy meant lord. ''I'm not an ordinary pussy.''
''There will always be pussies like you.''
''Behold the first worthless piece of shit among you to disobey. And now endure what will become of him now.''
He shot a force from his staff but it was blocked out by a shield. It was a muscular guy wearing a silly suit, with a previous comic-book style illustration of a 40-year old
woman getting fucked by a teenager on its upper body. The shield had an M emblem on it.
''Why does that suit look so familiar?'' Luli asked curiously.
'''Cause it's your Mom I'm fucking.''
Luli leapt up in the air but Capt. M kicked him in the stomach. The all-American hero told the Afghanis to run away. The staff was shoved into his ...
''My anus!'' Capt. Motherfucka pulled it out with one hand and bitch-slapped the fiend with the shield-grasping other.
''Sir, I sense a strong light from of energy coming your way.'' Humaima Malik said through the signal.
Capt. M lifted Luli by his shocking-pink outfit's collar. ''Do you have a bro I should know of?''
The metallic man dived fist-first into Luli's chest. Luli lost his staff and surrendered.
''I was doing fine until your shiny posterior showed up.'' Capt. Joggers said with annoyance.
''Well, Haaris estimated you were a microsex away from getting your cock mastered
by the staff.'' Iron Lund's mask outlet automatically opened revealing Tony Shaat's face. ''Any why's there a hole in your butthole?''
''I actually thought you wouldn't come given your castrated history in this place.'' Meanwhile, Cockeye and his team stole a superpowered generator from the room
the guards were supposed to protect.
Chapter 5
Tony Shaat was checking his suit for any damages. He, the pilot (Humaima), Capt. M along with Luli were flying in a S.HI.IT heli to the S.H.I.Tcarrier.
''I think you might need a little bit of help.'' Shaat suggested to Joggers.
''I'm fine.'' He was trying to stitch the cloth that no longer covered his butthole. He
was doing it manually with a mirror.
Iron Lund insisted and used a small gun of his armor that shot a laser beam fixing the stitch in microseconds.
''Bastard I told you I could handle it.'' Captain Motherfucka reminded rubbing his crack. ''I think I've got a laser rash.''
''I can fix that as well.'' Iron Lund raised a gun-wielded arm. Lighting struck the dark sky shaking the chopper up a bit.
''But first I think I'll have to give my weather man a buttlift.'' Shaat said with a thoughtful expression.
''Uh-oh.'' Luli remarked.
''What happened shrimp-lund?'' Capt. Motherfucka had his face just two inches away from Luli's. ''Afraid a little lightning will make you pee your pants.''
''Actually I'm scared of the other god that appears afterwards. And kicks every human's ass on board after reallocating me to a remote destination to give a gay- accented speech.''
A force threw the backside of the vehicle open. Capt. M was about to get carried away by the tremendous air pressure but Iron Lund held on to him. It was a chiseled and
heavy-built man with golden long hair and a similar-colored beard carting a hammer. He did exactly as Luli had forecast then flew away with the lengthy-lecturing demigod.
''Nooo!'' Humaima shrieked.
''Don't worry babe I'll get him.'' Iron Lund boosted on the trail after fixing the damage.
''I meant that I didn't get the chance to be hammered.'' Humaima sighed.
Joggers was readying himself for the ill-fated pursuit. He had grabbed a parachute.
''Captain I think that's a bad idea.'' She told him.
''Believe me Humaima I've been through worse.'' He soared downwards ignoring her cautious calls from behind.
He pulled the string in mid-air. The chute didn't budge. He then read the description on the pack: Made in Pakistan.
''Oh crap.'' He used his shield and skid up the mountain slopes like Tony Hawks.
From a distance, two Red Indians were busy chatting in their native tongue.
''Those white boys can skateboard along hillslopes now?'' The chief said to the lower-rank Apache.
Luli and his brother began their sentimental conversations up a lone hill. ''Please brother,'' the blondie grabbed his shoulders. ''Come back to Assguard. I'll
even ask father to change the name.''
Luli let go of his hold. ''You're the true Assguardian. I was the son of a whore. Who happened to get fucked by Captain Motherfucka. And then our father's semen mixed up with his and out came a fucking toothpick.'' Luli sobbed.
''Brother you've gone mad. The writer isn't trying to parody that god-awful blockbuster Clash of the Titans (2010).''
''Fuck you.''
''At least hear clearly what I am about to say.'' Blondie was boosted away by Iron Lund.
''I think I've got a keera in my ear.'' Luli joked after the wind rushed pasted his face.
Iron Lund dragged the demigod across the grassland of the forest below. ''This is not your fight Metal Man.'' The chiseled guy told him.
''And who the fuck are you?''
''I'm Whore protector of Assguard.''
''Weren't you named Thorn in your own parody?''
''The co-writer of AAW 4 Abdullah Riaz suggest a better name online.''
''So you're like gay Shakespeare?'' Iron Lund teased.
Whore raised his hammer that had pussy design covering the whole. The spit mark
from his father Gayden was still present on the surface.
''Oh thou gayish god why the wear a rundy's doti?'' Iron Lund continued in Whore's accent.
Whore and Iron Lund began fighting. Luli watched from the mountain top. He could've gotten away but he was sharing red-chili popcorn with the Red Indians.
Iron Lund was hammered into a dozen trees. He realized he had to get that dildo-like thing away; he grabbed it when it was on the ground. But only the might of Whore could lift it.
Whore smiled swollen with pride. He used his fingers to maneuver the thing telepathically and the billionaire was smashed into every hillside available.
Iron Lund let go of the Assguardian metal then tried to shove Whore away. They pushed each other's cocks and tried digging deeper and deeper.
''Output at 40%.'' The armor's computer alerted. ''20%, 10%...''
The brawl was interrupted by Motherfucka's boomerang-thrown shield. ''Enough of this you punks. Luli could be evading right now.''
Whore had a low IQ so he hopped and tried to pulverize Capt. M. But the all-American hero turned around dropping his cowboy denims. The impact of the steel on ass resulted in a force that destroyed the whole backwoods.
The trio decided on a truce. Some American Rangers gathered at the banks of the depleted natural environment.
''Boys looks like we don't have to rape the Apache bitches over deforestation after all.'' The Ranger announced.
And they all laughed like hyenas.
Chapter 6
The three reached the S.H.I.Tcarrier with their prisoner. He smiled at the camera posted near the entrance door and Doctor D'grade felt a great disturbance of his virginity.
''I think he likes you.'' An unfamiliar voice said from behind.
Tony Shaat had entered the doctor's laboratory. They shook hands.
''It's an honor to meet you Sir.'' The doc greeted.
''You too D'grade. I'm a big fan of your work on mammay radiation. And how you turn into a big red monster when you're sexually aroused.'' Shaat returned the greeting.
''Hey just found it out.'' Captain Motherfucka also entered the loft.
''Found what out?'' Tony Shaat asked him curiously.
''Should we tell him?'' Capt. M asked the alter ego of Milf.
Tony Shaat turned to face the mammay scientist.
''I told Joggers to see what S.H.I.T is doing with The Avengers' profits. So he entered a room that had the title 'Secret room using The Avengers' profits','' D'grade explained.
Dick Chudi occupied the area now. ''What's with all this gossip you bunch of ladies?''
Whore and White A-Hole introduced themselves behind him.
''Why did you decide to build weapons using the Tuttaysack's power?'' Joggers questioned the Commander.
''Yeah why?'' The doctor supported.
''Why?'' Natasha added.
''Why the fuck man?'' Tony Shaat asked which was ironic as he ran a company that manufactured artillery.
Dick Chudi raised his hands in argumentative self-defense. ''Okay, okay. Because of his father.'' He pointed at Whore.
''WTF, as you earthlings call it.'' Whore remarked.
''Whore ever since your father fucked a whore in Hiramundi, and she popped out your abnormality of a half-brother. The government has advised S.H.I.T to counterattack all godly threats.''
''Well, that is understandable. Luli tried to destroy the earth last year. Then obliterate your outer-world Assguardian bridge. Then fucked your scientist chick while you
were repairing that structure. Finally landing his toothpick ass in Kabul.'' Capt. Motherfucka described Luli's shortcomings in detail.
''He is still my brother.'' Whore defended his family.
''He killed 80 people in 2 days.'' Natasha told him.
''He's a she-male.''
''Where's that bastard now?'' The captain asked.
''In a special container.''Dick Chudi pointed to the LCD screens placed on every corner of the bunker.
Luli was in a special-glass cage like a mouse stuck inside ajar. He sat there one leg over the other with his eyes closed.
''I didn't know gods practiced yoga.'' Shaat said.
''Shaat this is a serious situation. We have to know what Luli is actually after. He was too easily captured.'' Joggers demanded pounding his fists on the table.
Doctor D'grade felt a pinch on his ass. He turned around to see Tony Shaat holding Natasha's arm.
''Just checking what's your secret of not losing virginity.'' Shaat said with a wink letting her go.
''Bitch please. My ex-lab partner was better at seduction. And she was Indian.''
''Praying to get out?'' Natasha asked Luli. She had just entered the prison.
''No dear. This is what you humans call meditation.'' Luli said with a smirk. She came nearer the glass. ''So I heard you know about me.''
Luli suddenly appeared right in front of her face. "Clint Farton (Cockeye) told me all about you.'' He spat out.
''Oh really?'' She took a stool then sat down a little distance away from where he was standing. ''Tell me about it. And please remind me to get you a breath mint.''
''Well, let's see. Your grandmother was a lesbian. Your mother was a lesbian. Your father was a kusra (she-male). You're a combination. So that's why you and your BF Cockeye couldn't have sex because you have a pussy and a dick.'' Luli ended his storytelling without breaking a sweat.
White A-Hole began crying. She hid her face in her sensual red hair. ''Please stop.''
''Why should I?' Some stories are so fucking sad. Like the beast you built this cage for.'' He looked straight at the camera at the top of one wall.
Doctor D'grade felt vulnerable again. And also felt another pinch.
''Hey you never know.'' Shaat raised his hands in defense.
''Guys, he's after the Milf.'' Natasha's voice ran through the telecom.
''Well, I could've gotten it out of him if Capt. M wasn't being busy showing his ass to every burka-wearing Afghani around.'' Tony Shaat declared his heroism.
''You know what Shaat. You just care about yourself. If it was either you or your Mom
you would let her get fucked by a demigod.''
''Well, you're just a lab pussy. The experiment backfired giving you a body and buttocks made of special alloy. But still didn't enhance your intelligence quotient. Dick Chudi tried it on his own ass but the laser colors were black and he needed white ones. So his black ass couldn't get whitened to superiority.''
''Hey!'' Dick Chudi got infuriated.
''What are you without that suit?'' Steve Joggers and Iron Lund's alter ego were face-to-face now.
''Billionaire. Your motherfucker. Xbox anal sex offender. Gujaro ka pornographic filmstar.''
''Gay.''
''Let's find out.''
''Put on your metal bikini.''
''Masturbate through your frozen dick.''
''Put on the bikini.''
''Fuck your dead mother's corpse.''
''Put on the bikini.''
Suddenly, the whole workshop shook. The entire carrier had been compromised.
Cockeye had shot a virus-arrow into the main supercomputer's USB port. And one of the two turbines had exploded. Luli's whole fortified team was in the extraction.
''Put on the bikini?'' Capt. M asked nicely.
''Umm yeah.''
The two along with Chudi and Whore exited the small room. D'grade tried to grab Luli's staff but the floor collapsed and they both were in mid-air.
''The staff!'' White A-Hole jumped to save the object but fell down with it.
She realized her face was on top of the mammay-research expert's balls. Any they started inflating.
''D'grade control.'' Natasha urged helplessly.
Her anal had been invaded by the staff. And she had to pull it out to get to her feet. Doctor D'grade's balls enlarged with a trampoline's force. They pushed Natasha off and her back hit the wall solidly.
Luli's weapon had fallen out and she managed to throw him some pills. ''Dick Chudi invented them to stop you from growing.''
He took them but began getting larger more quickly.
Natasha read the description on the thumb-sized jar - Viagra. ''FML...''
Chapter7
Iron Lund and Capt. M were outside the vessel trying to repair the broken turbine.
''I'll have to take a round to the practical side and try fixing it.'' Iron Lund told his fellow superhero. ''You stay here and wait for my instructions.''
Just as he left, Capt. M was fighting off two of Luli's armed men.
The captain threw his shield like a boomerang after jumping to an upper level. The couple of fiends ducked and it struck Capt. M out cold who was inches away from dropping down.
Iron Lund reached the turbine that wasn't spinning. He had to take a piss opening his
electric zip. A sniper shot him at his back from a helicopter. He was dragged into the wheel.
The static current of Iron Lund's suit engaged the turbine and it started spinning.
''Motherfucka you there?'' He asked through his suit's telecommunication outlet.
But the captain was lying with his back down as two enemies appeared to finish him off.
White A-Hole was barely dodging Milf's blows. She hid up on a small overpass. Her sexy scent gave away her position. Milf's ugly face appeared in front of her.
The monster was blood-red and so were the pupils of his eyes. He began to unzip his green trousers.
''Milf rape!'' He cried joyfully.
A heavy object struck him in the head. He turned around to face Whore.
''By the great balls of Gayden don't you dare throw your undergarments down foul beast. '' Whore gave a lecture but not lengthier than his half-bro's.
Milf leapt and tried to smash the Norse god. Whore rolled away but lost grip of his hammer. Milf tried to lift it up.
''Fuckin' dildo up!'' Milf cried with yellow-colored sweat.
Whore smiled and gave the beast a double drop-kick at the back of the head.
Milf raised his giant hands in front of him and was saved from hitting the wall. He bounced with his feet on the wall and shoved Whore into an area where the wall had
been torn up. Then he pinned him to the ground and started pounding his bearded face with fists.
Then he sat him down against the corner and began to use Rikishi-style on the face. Suddenly, a fighter jet appeared that had a brave pilot (an idiot who thought if a god couldn't defeat Milf, he could).
Milf was interrupted by the barrage of bullets. He leapt on to the aircraft miles away and ripped the wings off. The pilot ejected but was hit by Milf's array of green-colored
piss and his parachute was torn apart.
''White A-Hole do you copy?'' Dick Chudi asked through his S.H.I.T Bluetooth.
She was so scared she was bleeding out. Her whole body trembled with the unimaginable idea of being penetrated by Milf.
''White A-Hole you bitch! Do you copy?'' Chudi rephrased the question. ''Y-yes Sir.''m
''Cockeye is en route to the second control panel.''
''On it.''
She found her ex-partner moments later heading to the other CP entrance.
''Clint I know you're in there somewhere.'' Natasha told him.
He threw down his bow. ''I can beat you with my own bare hands.''
''You couldn't penetrate my pussy with your short fingers in Prague.'' She took out her Whiteberry. ''Here look.''
He was handed the multimedia device. It was her Facebook account: White A-Hole and Cockeye are in a relationship and bet your ass it's complicated.
Cockeye smiled but it turned upside down when a Twitter alert followed: Milf is now following you.
He threw the phone away and tried ton to jab her in the kisser. Natasha ducked and punched him in the balls out cold.
The two enemies approached the fallen motherfucker. He tore their cocks out with his bare hands right after opening his eyes.
''Motherfucka I'm getting turbine-raped here!'' Iron Lund's message was finally received.
Capt. M jumped to the electronic platform, ''0kay what do you see?'' Iron Lund asked.
''I think that porno actor Einstein invented this.''
''Uh, close. Just use your ass as a conductor.''
''Conductor?''
''Just connect the blue wire to one hip and the red to the other.''
He did that and didn't feel the million watts of current surging through his body. The turbine wheel went to full speed, and Iron Lund was automatically exited from the S.H.I.Tcarrier Ferris Wheel.
One of Luli's men opened the container just as Whore entered the room. ''Nooo!'' He flew to push him back inside.
But it was only a simulation and the demigod found himself locked inside.
''Guess it runs in the family.'' Luli teased.
''Brother please think about what you're about to do.'' Whore pleaded.
''Wipe out earth's civilization and become the greatest chootiya of a planet's leader.'' ''Uh, yes.''
Luli looked over his shoulder to see his man killed by a bullet to the head. Agent Obaid dropped his pistol and raised the S.H.I.T weapon.
''Always wondered what this little button did.'' Obaid suggested.
But before he could push it, Luli appeared behind him and drove the staff through his
butthole.
Obaid sat up on the ground bleeding as if in mensuration. ''Boy, talk about being a pain in the ass.
Luli pushed the button on the panel and Whore's container dropped to thousands of feet downwards into the sky.
''You bastard. Tujhe pata hai Kanjers ne teri gaand maar di.'' Obaid said half-dead. ''Gaand maar di?'' Luli was angered. ''Tera kaala leader bohnsri hai. Mera laundebaaz
bhai urr gaya hai. Tera-''
He was shot by the laser beam and was driven through the wall becoming unconscious on his fall.
''Kaha na.'' Obaid squirted blood. ''Teri gaand maar di.'' Chapter8
The remaining heroes assembled with Dick Chudi on the round table in the lab. Everybody looked as if they'd been in a super-powered hangover.
''Whore,Ithoughtyouweredesd.'' DickChudiblurtedoutonhisarrival.
''I had to use my godly shit to break the glass before it hit the ground.'' He explained.
''We're, like you say in the 21st century, screwed up.'' Capt. M slammed his fists on the table.
Dick Chudi stood up. He paced around the room; ''When I was young I thought by following the whites I'd be a good African-American citizen. I didn't even vote for Obama. Now you white people sit your asses on the table like some King Arthur adaption. So listen you guys failed to save Michael Jackson from dying of whiteness. Now at least save the world from a Jackson look-alike before it's too late.''
''Fuck I need some motivation.'' Capt. M said with his arms crossed.
Chudi threw a pack of cards on the table. They were smeared in blood. ''I found these inside Pathan's jacket pocket. They were a collection of Captain Motherfucka trading cards.''
The captain checked them out. One was him wearing a Playboy bunny outfit the other a shalwar-kameez making roti.
He got up and followed Shaat to the washroom. ''You're a genius son of a billionaire. Got any idea where Luli would strike first?''
''it's got to be a tall structure. Possibly the most soaring building on earth.'' Shaat announced.
''The Burj Khalifa.''
''Nah, my tower is taller.'' He was met by the captain's stone-cold stare. ''Heck, I was
just kidding. The Burj.''
Chapter9 Dubai, UAE
Iron Lund's damaged armor was mechanically removed by Haaris 2 when he entered his Burj Khalifa suite.
He found Luli waiting for him lying on the bed seductively.
''So you actually wear a metal bikini over your clothes.'' Luli giggled with a hand over his mouth like a shy girl.
Shaat stretched the lower thread of his elastic-alloy bikini. ''It helps from getting my private parts overheated.''
Shaat walked behing the bartender counter an poured himself wine. ''You want one?''
''Sorry, your primitive alcohol stings my tongue.'' ''Yeah that's just worthy of King Kong's balls.''
''I have an army''
''We have Milf.''
Luli laughed mockingly. ''You sure you superhumans can beat me?''
''Well, you call your laundebaaz army. Rape a dozen Arab bitches. Kill the Shurta. But listen here almighty faggot. The Kanjers might not be able to save the earth. But we
will goddamn kanjer it. Because we're Americans and like to meddle in every other country's business. Specially if it has oil.''
''Is that even a word.'' Luli came closer to him. ''You should join my cause.''
He hit Shaat's cock with the pointy-end of his staff. A steel-struck sound was heard. ''Sorry, out of order.'' Shaat imitated Haaris' voice.
Luli got angered and threw him out the window. Shaat activated his silver-colored
armor just before touching the ground and elevated up to the rooftop. Mahmud had just activated the Tuttaysack generator.
Iron Lund shot a beam onto the generator but it deflected onto him and the professor who dropped unconscious near the edge of the roof.
Whore swung the hammer at his giggling half-brother entering Shaat's suite. A portal opened in the high sky above letting the Chithorey in. They had large brown-shaded dicks for heads and squirted out come that exploded on impacted.
Capt. M, White A-Hole and Cockeye started battling them. Their radioactive semen hit the streets but, like in the movie, their aim was so bad it only reached material objects.
The doctor awoke stark-naked in a McDonalds' ballpark.
''I feel like I'm being Punk'd.'' Doctor D'grade said dryly.
A skinny old man that resembled a skeleton with minimum of flesh threw him some clothes.
''Son are you alright?'' He asked panting between each word.
''Thanks, sorry I can't explain my condition.''
''Son I don't care if you're an alien. But your naked red ballsack gave my grandson a heart attack. And I'll sue you if you don't pay the insurance.''
''Why the fuck did you let The Kanjers handle this?'' Syed Ali asked.
The five were at their video conference again.
''Well, because a nuclear missile will do the same amount of damage that they are currently active at.'' Dick Chudi answered.
''We already activated a fighter jet honey.'' The blondie alerted sucking her pop. ''And don't try to leave this room and stop it.'' The Arab guy raised an index finger. Dick Chudi was already out of the loft.
''Never trust a black guy.'' The Malvari tsk-tsked.
Chudi entered the hangar but his fire couldn't prevent the aircraft from leaving.
''Sir, I'm sorry.'' Humaima said through the signal.
''Don't worry dear. You couldn't have made it on time too.'' He assured her.
''No Sir. I meant about you still trying to stop a S.H.I.T-made vehicle with a fucking Luli's shrimp-sized dick pistol!''
Every goddamned hero was gathered in the middle of the street that overlooked the
Burj, except for one SOB.
''Guys I'm bringing the party to you.'' Iron Lund told them through his Bluetooth. They saw him guiding a King Kong sized swirling metallic dildo towards them.
''You guys wanted to know the secret of not losing my virginity.'' The doctor said taking off his shirt and walking towards the party, and then he looked over his shoulder. ''I fuck myself – everyday.''
He transformed into Milf and jumped onto the dildo biting off its parts.''
Cockeye saw Luli riding on a Chithorey spacecraft. He shot an arrow from the top of a building when the fiend was not alert. But Luli surprisingly caught it and smiled. The end of the arrow became a pussy that shot a 41-megapixel picture of him with a flash so powerful, he fell inside a broken-down tall building.
''Okay Shurta tell everybody to stop running and get inside. I want roadblocks on the highways 'cause I want to visit the aqua parks later. Keep the falafels burning 'cause
I've got a bad case of constipation.'' Capt. M stood on top of a deteriorated police car addressing the chief.
''Maafi English.'' The Shurta chief said clutching his ear.
The captain raised a finger. ''Fuck you habibi!''
He heard sexy female voices shrieking inside a shoe store. He went inside catching an alien grenade with the crack of his ass then farting it back to them. Boom!
He saluted one of the blonde Syrian women. She showed him a pinch sign and giggled girlishly before departure.
Capt. M realized his pants had been blown off. ''Even in this century the Chinese can't made bomb-proof attire.''
Whore and Milf landed in the building Luli had fallen in. The blonde raised a hand for a high-five but got boxed in the face.
Luli got up from the debris and dusted his outfit. ''You beast I am Lord of this Planet. Lord of the Universe. Man of the Serious. I am a God. I am-''
Milf interrupted the lengthy lecture with his 20-feet dick and moved it back and forth until Luli's whole body was webbed in green semen.
''Laundebaaz god.'' Milf spat before leaving.
Iron Lund found everybody getting hero-raped by the Chithorey. And now Dick Chudi needed him to stop the friggin' nuclear missile.
Fuck like blowing up Japan wasn't enough, Shaat thought disappointingly.
He told Haaris 2 to give Salty Sauce one last call.
She was on a private jet watching Dubai One News with other Shaat employees. She
saw Tony's pic on her S (Shaat)-phone. She cancelled the call. ''Fuck you shorty.''
Iron Lund gave White A-Hole instructions on how to close the portal after he had guided the missile into the portal.
The metal man caught the missile and guided it with himself inside the portal. White
A-Hole had her custom-made Hiramundi boobs read to stop the signal's transmission.
Iron Lund realized both his suit and the missile were losing altitude. He finally saw the Chithorey spaceship. It was a shaped and designed like a face similar to Rajnikanth's.
No, I can't let him bring Rajni's father into earth, Tony Shaat thought restlessly. ''Ana rascilla mind it!''
He turned around, placed the missile against his ass, opened the shit extraction tube, and farted what he had kept inside since the beginning of this goddamned parody.
The missile flew with light speed and heavy smell destroying the spacecraft.
White A-Hole got the signal and placed her breasts on top of the Tuttaysack's transmitter.
Mahmud woke up at the scene. ''Is this heaven?'' He got knocked out by a chloroform arrow by an anonymous jealous boyfriend.
All the Chithorey on the planet and outside died but the idiot heroes forgot to stop the giant mechanical dildos from falling down on the city. They were too busy waiting for Shaat to jet back to them.
Iron Lund half-made it after portal had entirely closed. His body was cut in half in the middle and Milf missed catching him. The billionaire playboy hit the road hard
screeching to a halt.
''Shit Tony you okay?'' Capt. M asked concerningly.
''That's gonna leave a mark.'' Cockeye joked.
''I don't have an ass anymore.'' Shaat remarked opening his eyelids.
They all laughed together.
''How the fuck are you gonna you know, do those things now?'' Natasha questioned.
''Dear you're talking to a guy who manufactured his lund back.'' He replied. ''And how about we grab a bite. There's a shawarma joint not far from here. After all, I heard they don't have taxes here.''
Aftermath (1)
Gayden, ruler of Assguard, was dozing peacefully in his gold bed when suddenly his phone rang.
He answered his G (God)-phone. ''Hello?''
''Meri behen de telephone wich tera number maine dekha.'' The voice at the other end said. ''Behenchod.''
''Honey, who is it?'' Gayden's wife asked brining in a tray carrying tea.
''I've never heard this dialect before.''
The archvillain Gando was calling the king of Assguard from a desolate planet.
''Oye lodu!'' A voice said from behind.
He turned around to see Whore and chained Luli behind him. Whore hammered his extraterrestrial luggage into a new dimension.
Aftermath (2)
The Kanjers were gathered around the shawarma booth now.
''Hey why wasn't I included in the parody?'' Semen-man (Spider-man) said hanging upside down by the booth window.
'''Cause you weren't in the movie!'' Tony Shaat joked and they all laughed at him.
''What you laughin' at doctor dufus?'' Semen Man said furiously. ''Here, let me show you the first base of losing your virginity.''
He squirted semen out of his wrists that broke the glass filling up Doctor D'grade's
mouth.
''Haha yeo must still be trying to control your alter ego.'' The jealous hero continued. ''Uh-oh.'' Natasha argued.
Milf emerged, took an operating shawarma stand, and shoved it up his puny ass.
-The End?-
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