“Best of the AAW Serious! (Series)." - Saeed Ajmal
Intro
“What the fuck!?” cried out Mahmud regaining consciousness. “Where am I?”
He slowly stood up. The back of his head was throbbing with pain as he struggled to get used to the light. He was standing in front of an electronics shop (Jumbo). Several other shops surrounded him and he realized he was in the section of a mall. A puppet suddenly appeared on the LCDs displayed in front of the electronics shop.
“What the...?” Mahmud cried out in surprise. “Dicksaw!”
The puppet had an ugly white-colored face, long red wavy hair and scary black eyes with blood red-colored pupils. It had a purple-colored dildo for a nose
“Hello Mahmud.” spoke the puppet. “I’d like to play a game.”
“Grandfather!” cried out Mahmud recognizing Bilawal’s voice.
“This is no time for a family reunion.” said Dicksaw.
“I thought you were dead!”
“Let’s just say I came back.”
“Fuck you grandfather!”
“Ah, but that’s the million-dollar question.” said Dicksaw. “Who will get fucked? Depends on how you play it.”
Mahmud said nothing.
“Now back to the point.” said the puppet. “I know that you’ve got a lot of questions in your mind right now.”
“Like why the fuck am I here!” shouted Mahmud. “And why do I have the urge to fuck someone really hard!”
“Well I mixed up the drugs.” replied Dicksaw. “You can guess the rest.”
“Shit!”
“Now back to the point.” Snapped the puppet. “Your friends are hidden here in different locations in the Dubai Mall if you haven’t already noticed. All you have to do is to find them before they DIE.”
“No!”
“There is only one way for you to escape. And that is to call your father Hassam. You’ll find an iPhone placed on the counter inside this store.” continued Dicksaw. “Make your choice. Save them or get FUCKED!”
The puppet disappeared from the screens as Dicksaw went offline and the song ‘Juttni’ started playing loudly.
‘aey juttni punjabi nayi phasni tere tou...
aey kuri aey pataki nayi phasni kisainto...’
Mahmud grabbed the trash can which was right next to him. With a furious cry he threw the trash can towards the display glass shattering it completely.
‘tere guddi main urawan, assan bund lian tunaawan...’
He ran forward through the broken glass and started breaking the LCDs one by one with a camera tripod.
‘tu kavay mainu samb la, pyo kavay tu haramda...’
The song stopped playing after he had broken all the televisions.
Chapter 1
Mahmud entered the shop after calming himself down. He spotted the Black iPhone on the counter just like his grandfather had said. It was beside a shelf displaying the new Apple iTits.
“At least the writers aren’t racist.” Mahmud said.
He hesitated for a moment before picking it up. Then he slowly started dialing his father’s number.
‘Oh yeah baby!’
Detective Hassam was all alone in his office, sitting in his comfy leather chair and drinking coffee with his legs resting on the table.
‘Just keep sucking it! Ah, that’s it!’
He was watching a porn movie on the 40 inch LED TV. His erect penis was sticking out of his open zip.
“Yeah, fuck her hard!” shouted Hassam taking another sip.
‘Baby, I’m gonna come!’
“That’s it! Make her come!” Hassam began pumping the shotgun with his empty hand.
‘Yeah! Harder! Harder!’
Detective Hassam was almost going to reach his climax when the telephone rang and interrupted him. In surprise he dropped the mug from his hand and the hot coffee spilled right on his penis.
“My FUCKING dick!” screamed Hassam. He grabbed the water bottle on his table and poured it on his burning penis lessening the pain.
A young attractive blonde woman rushed into the office. Her name was Kelly and she was Hassam’s secretary and a former pornstar. Hassam quickly turned off the TV and covered his dick with a coat on his table.
“What happened?” cried out Kelly. “I heard screaming.”
“Nothing.” replied Hassam casually. He couldn’t stop staring at her curves.
“But...”
“If you’ll excuse me.” Hassam interrupted her changing the topic. “But I have a phone call to attend to.”
“Very well.” replied Kelly and slowly moved towards the door. He checked out her perfectly round ass she left.
Hassam picked up the receiver. “Hello, Detective Hassam.”
“Dad!” cried out Mahmud relieved to hear his father’s voice.
“Mahmud! What the...”
“Dad, Dicksaw’s got me!” exclaimed Mahmud. His voice was shaking with fear.
“You mean...”
“Yes, it’s grandfather!”
There was a stunned silence.
“Okay son, where are you?”
“The Dubai Mall.”
“I’m coming. Just sit tight.”
“Alright.” replied Mahmud and his father hung up.
I should try to call 911, thought Mahmud.
He dialed the number but instead of the dial tone he heard the same song again.
‘teri akhian sharabi , asi wakhri jamani’
Mahmud immediately ended the call. And then he heard a scream from below him, the ground floor. Recognizing it he ran outside the shop.
Chapter 2
Syed Ali slowly opened his eyes.
“Where the fuck am I?” asked Syed loudly. After getting used to the blinding light he cried out in surprise when he saw millions of unshaved asses in front of him.
“Shit!” He quickly realized he was staring into a mirror. The mirror was reflecting another mirror which was behind him. He was completely nude.
“What the fa...” His hands were chained together to the walls on his side and he struggled to break free from them. He was in a dressing room. And then a small old-fashioned television which Syed hadn’t noticed on the built-in shelf suddenly turned on. A bra and panty were loosely hanging from the top of the TV. Dicksaw’s puppet appeared on the screen.
“Hello Syed.” said Dicksaw in Saimul’s voice. “I’d like to play a game.”
“Play a game with my hairy ass!” shouted Syed.
“That’s exactly what we’re going to do.” said Dicksaw. Then two claws came out of the walls and grasped the cheeks on his ass.
“Fuck! I was just...”
“Now let’s get started.” said Dicksaw ignoring his cries. “You might have noticed you’re in the ladies dressing room in Splash right now. Well, for a long time you’ve been in love with yourself. Attracted to yourself, kissed yourself and even FUCKED yourself.”
“That’s a lie!” retorted Syed.
“Then why is your penis erect?” said Dicksaw. “I don’t see anyone here besides us. Or perhaps you’re gay?”
Syed said nothing.
“All you have to do...” continued Dicksaw. “...is to spit on your reflection. On Yourself.”
“No!” cried out Syed. “Fuck you! I can’t.”
“You have thirty seconds. Your time starts now.” Dicksaw went offline and a timer started on the screen followed by the same song ‘Juttni’ again.
‘aey jhutni punjabi nayi phasni tere tou
aey kuri aey pataki nayi phasni kisainto’
“I can’t! I’m too beautiful!” bellowed Syed. He stared at himself in the mirror screaming his head off.
Ten seconds went by and the claws on his ass tightened.
‘saray munday bolain kutter butter kutter butter
kutter butter kutter butter kutter butter kutter butter…..’
“Have you ever seen someone sexier than me?! I doubt it you asshole!”
Only ten seconds were left and the claws dug deeper into his skin.
‘tere paisay main mukawan, mazay pooray lay k javan
fir tainu tuk kara k teri pan nu phasawan’
He couldn’t spit in the mirror.
3,2,1...
“I’m gonna...” He was cut short when the claws pulled towards the wall which was followed by Syed’s endless screaming as his asshole turned into an assCAVE.
Mahmud rushed into Splash a few moments later. He searched all the dressing rooms and when he opened the last one he realized that he was too late when he saw Syed’s sexually murdered body.
Chapter 3
“Let’s see you beat that!” Muli said to his partner Billy. “The trap was AAWsum!”
“We’ll see about that. My victim is on his way.” replied Billy.
“Ahhh.....” Detective Hassam was standing in a construction area near the Dubai Mall. He was pissing on a date-palm staring at the construction equipment around him. Hassam pulled the zip up after he finished emptying his bladder.
“Hello Hassam.” said Dicksaw in Bilawal’s voice from a hidden speaker nearby. “I’d like to play a game.”
Hassam immediately recognized his father’s voice. He remembered the voice when Bilawal had entered Hassam’s room when he was a kid and asked the exact same question.
‘Hello Hassam.’ His father had asked. ‘I’d like to play a game.’
‘Sure, dad.’ Hassam had replied happily before his father raped him.
“Dad!” exclaimed Hassam returning back to reality.
“Yes son, it’s me. But that’s not important.” replied Dicksaw. “What’s important is that you get your son back.”
“Fuck you dad!” shouted Hassam. “Give me back Mahmud!”
“You’ll get him soon.” said Dicksaw. “But first you have to play the game.”
“Oh you mean the game in which you PHYSICALLY raped me!”
“Not exactly.” said Dicksaw. “Do you see the sandy area in front of you?”
“Yes I do.” replied Hassam dryly staring at the barren area which was not covered with the construction equipment.
“There are hidden nutcracker mines right under the sand.”
“What the fuck?” cried out Hassam confused.
“Allow me to demonstrate.” said Dicksaw. A robot with abnormally huge metal balls walked out from behind a crane and slowly walked towards the nutcracker mine field. The robot took a couple of steps and Hassam saw a device jump out of the sand till the robot knees. A thick rod shot out of the mine and broke the robot’s nuts.
“You have exactly one minute to reach the end.” continued Dicksaw. “Good luck son. Your time starts now.”
“At least it’s better than rape.” muttered Hassam as he slowly took his first step inside. He slowly and carefully moved until he reached halfway. Thirty seconds were remaining.
“So far so good.” Hassam said to himself.
“Did you know...” Dicksaw’s voice cut in. “...the pain caused by a kick in the nuts is similar to that of giving 160 births and breaking 3200 bones at the same time.”
“Shit!” cried out Hassam. “Rape sounded much better than this.” He continued moving with the same speed. Then the booming sound of the song ‘Juttni’ interrupted his concentration.
‘aey jhutni punjabi nayi phasni tere tou...’
‘Almost there...’ thought Hassam.
Ten seconds were left.
‘teri rah day rahgir , dil sada aey fakeer ...’
Five seconds were left and he was still 10 feet away.
“Fuck this!” Hassam started running towards the finish. He was only one step away when he stepped on a mine. It jumped up just like it had done with the robot and the metal rod shot out and crackedHassam’s nuts. He fell forward moaning with pain but he had made it through the course.
“Congratulations, you made it.” said Dicksaw. “But how will you save your sons without any BALLS! I mean guts.”
And then Hassam slowly got up to his feet as if nothing had happened to him.
“How the fuck did you survive!?”
Hassam pulled down his trousers grinning. “I came prepared.” He had been wearing bullet-proof underwear. It broke into half and the detective quickly covered his burnt dick.
“Next time you won’t be so lucky.” said Dicksaw. “Proceed to the parking lot.”
Chapter 4
Mahmud stood in front of the Dubai Aquarium watching the swimming fishes. He was staring at a shark but was interrupted by a sound. The sound was similar to that of a bell ringing. It was followed by Dicksaw’s voice as the speaker clicked on.
“The clock has struck 12.” announced Dicksaw’s disguised voice. “Valentine’s Day has begun.”
Mahmud suddenly remembered that he had a date with his girlfriend, Javeria.
‘If I ever get out of here.’ thought Mahmud miserably.
“And that means...” continued Dicksaw. “...You have a date with your girlfriend.”
“How did you know that?!” asked Mahmud shocked.
“That is not of your concern.” replied Dicksaw. “You have to hurry. Javeria is waiting for you.”
“But...where is she?”
“Just follow the cupid.” said Dicksaw. The speaker clicked off.
“What cupid?!” Mahmud asked loudly. He cried out in surprise when he felt a sharp pinch on his ass. An arrow was stuck in his bum. A pink color heart-shaped note was attached to it. Mahmud carefully unfolded the note and it said: ‘ASS SCREAM.’
Mahmud stared at the note trying to figure out what it meant.
“Oh! I get it! I just got hit by an arrow on my ASS and I SCREAMed.” said Mahmud.
Mahmud felt another pinch on his ass. It was another arrow with a note. The note said: ‘No youASShole! Look at the poster in front of you.’
Mahmud lifted his head up and saw a Baskin Robbins’s poster. Mahmud realized that the cupid meant ICE-CREAM. He murmured a quick thanks to the cupid and ran to the food court to save his girlfriend.
Javeria opened her eyes and saw a Baskin Robbins sign.
“Where am I?” she asked herself softly. She realized that she was in a food court. She could see ‘Papa John’s Pizza’ and ‘Texas Chicken’ in front of her.
“Hello!” she called out. “Is anyone there?” There was no reply.
She was sitting on a metal chair, her hands and feet were tied to it. A metal brace on her neck prevented her from looking around. Her head had been completely shaved.
She was going to call out again when a screen slowly lowered in front of her along with a pipe which led into the Baskins Robbins shop. Dicksaw’s puppet appeared on the screen. The puppet’s grin made Javeria shiver.
“Hello babes.” said the puppet. “I’d like to play a game.”
“Who the fuck are you!?” cried out Javeria.
“My identity is not important.” replied Dicksaw. “What’s important is you pass the test or you’ll never see your boyfriend again.”
“No!” shouted Javeria. “Mahmud!”
“Now babes.” said the puppet. “He can’t hear you. So let’s get started.” Javeria began to struggle against the knots.
“For years you’ve been dating Mahmud. Only because he’s the only guy in your class who is notblack.” said the puppet. “In other words, you’re RACIST.”
“That is not true.” retorted Javeria. “I love him.”
“Oh so that’s the reason why you did not let him have sex with you?” replied Dicksaw.
“But that doesn’t prove I’m racist!”
“So prove you’re not.” said Dicksaw. “All you have to do is to sing the chorus of ‘Juttni’.”
“I haven’t heard the song.” said Javeria awkwardly.
“Don’t lie to me babes.” said Dicksaw. “You and Mahmud would always listen to it on your dates.”
Javeria said nothing.
“You have three tries.” continued Dicksaw. “And ten seconds for each try. Now begin.”
Dicksaw went offline and was replaced by a timer.
Javeria begin to sing, “aey juttni KAALI nayi phasni tere tou...”
“That is INCORRECT.” said Dicksaw. Javeria was immediately sprayed with a yellow ice-cream. The taste was disgusting and she started coughing it out. Her whole body was drenched with it. The cold was unbearable.
“Lemonade Surprise.” said Dicksaw. “Made with hundred percent real PISS.”
“Fuck you!” screamed Javeria. She was trying to get rid of the taste but the ice-cream had frozen on her tongue.
“Your second try begins.” said Dicksaw. “Or do you want another batch of the ‘ice-cream’.
Javeria started to sing again, “aey juttni BENGALI nayi phasni tere tou...”
“Incorrect.” said Dicksaw again. The pipe sprayed a brown ice-cream on her. Javeria started to cough vigorously. The stench was horrible but was incomparable to the taste. Javeria started screaming and cursing out loud. The cold had completely number her body.
“Chocolate SHIT cookie.” said Dicksaw.
“Get me out of here!” screamed Javeria. Her voice was a bit muffled because of the gallons of ice-cream.
“So that’s why they call it ASS-SCREAM.” said Dicksaw ignoring her screams. “One last try. To prove you’re not RACIST.”
Javeria started to sing again, “aey juttni PATHANI nayi phasni tere tou...”
“Incorrect.” said Dicksaw.
“Javeria!” cried out Mahmud as he entered the food court. He saw her covered in gallons of ice-cream.
“Mahmud.” screamed Javeria. “Get me out of here.” Mahmud ran towards her but to his horror she was sprayed with a white ice-cream. She started screaming but not for long. Her body went limp, dead.
“Boobies and cream.” said Dicksaw. “Of course you know which type of cream I’m talking about it.”
“Javeria! Noooo!” wailed Mahmud.
“Did you know that semen contains high number of protein.” said Dicksaw before going offline again.
Chapter 5
“Ah, Detective Hassam.” said Dicksaw when Hassam entered the parking lot. “Just in time.”
“Great.” said Hassam sarcastically. “Now give me back my son!”
“Don’t worry.” replied Dicksaw. “He’s in safe hands. Unfortunately, I CREAM-FUCKED your daughter-in-law on Valentine’s Day.”
“Oh, but I already cream-fucked her last Valentine’s.” said Hassam.
“You really are the perfect family.” commented Dicksaw.
“Now can we get back to the challenge!” exclaimed Hassam frustrated.
“Right.” said Dicksaw. “Currently, you are inhaling a powerful gas which has been derived from Viagra.”
“That’s not so bad. I could really use something to increase the size of my tool.” cut in Hassam referring to his dick.
“Let me finish!” said Dicksaw angrily. “You must get the antidote within two minutes. Otherwise your penis will grow larger and larger until it EXPLODES.”
Hassam turned his head toward his dick. Imagining it explode made him shiver.
“Now to get the antidote...” continued Dicksaw. “...you need to shoot a robot which is specifically designed to kill you in the groin after which the antidote will pour out.”
“Shoot it with what?” Hassam asked.
“That’s the challenge.” Dicksaw said. “You have two minutes. Make your choice, live or die or get FUCKED. Your time begins now.”
Immediately a bullet raced past Hassam. Hassam quickly dived behind the Toyota beside him. His heart was thumping wildly and he was experiencing a wild wargasm. The side windows of the car burst as the robot continued to shoot. The shattered shards of glass dug deep into his skin.
“GODDAMN! Where’s the sniper?” Hassam asked himself over the roar of the bullets. And to answer his question ‘Saudis in Audis’ started to play.
‘Saoodis in Aoodis, Saoodis in Aoodis...’
Hassam listened to the song confused. The robot sniper continued to shoot at the car. The detective then noticed an Audi at the far end of the parking lot towards his right. The car’s number plate read ‘5400D1’ which meant ‘SAOODI’.
‘gas on empty, don't use a frown
Saudis just put hose in the ground...’
Hassam waited for the robot to fire his last bullet after which it would have to reload. The robot shot and Hassam ran towards the Audi. He had underestimated the robot’s reload speed and it began to shoot at him again. Hassam quickened his pace and kept running narrowly dodging the bullets like every actor did in an action film.
‘I have mustache, I have shades
I have shiny new A8...’
He made it to the Audi without receiving any damage although he noticed that he was covered with tiny drops of a sticky substance which he realized was semen. The bullets were covered with cum.
“How creative.” Hassam muttered sarcastically.
‘Drive to Emirates tonight
shopping for some stuff Dubai...’
He pulled open the door of the car. The sniper was laid on the ‘imitation leather seat’. It was made of gold and the word ‘Saudi’ was engraved on it. He picked it up and then a mustache holder protruded out from beneath the A.C.
‘even has a mustache holder.’
Hassam was about to grab the mustache when it suddenly fell off. It was followed by voices of people laughing their balls out.
“Got ‘ya!” said Dicksaw.
“Fuck you!” exclaimed Hassam angrily. He spotted a Sprite bottle in the cup holder and grabbed it.
‘Cup holder for my sprite, it is flex fuel, don’t you know...’
He opened the sniper magazine. There was only one bullet. “Only one fucking single bullet!”
“Since when are my challenges hardly fair.” Dicksaw replied.
The robot has spotted Hassam and continued to fire again. Hassam knew if he would get out of cover, he was FUCKED. He suddenly got an idea. He threw the Sprite bottle in the air and the robot distracted shot at it. Hassam immediately got out of cover, aimed and fired. The bullet hit the robot right on its ‘metal nuts’ and it fell down defeated.
“How did you that?!” exclaimed Dicksaw shocked.
“Didn’t you know that I’m the number one quickscoper on Call of Duty?” Hassam said grinning. He walked towards the robot to get the antidote.
Chapter 6
Shahwath Shit-faced was sitting next to an oxygen tank. He was sleeping and taking deep breaths from the container. He sounded like the Bangladeshi version of Darth Vader.
‘’Shahwath Shit-faced,’’ a creepy voice said.
Shava opened his eyes to notice that he was standing inside a white space. Nothingness encircled him.
‘’I’d like to play a game.’’ D-saw continued.
‘’Oh not this SHIT again.’’ Shava replied.
‘’For years you have been taking air from a shit-gas. Namely shitgen. Now it’s time to pay back for the animal fertilizer you’ve been wasting, It’s time for redemption.’’
‘’Blah blah singing a song.’’ Shava said.
‘’As you must’ve noticed you’re in a virtual reality. Courtesy of the arcade.’’ D-saw explained. ‘’You’ll be going through a series of movie clips and you must say the films name in 1 minute or you’ll suffer excruciating pain. EXCRUCIATING...’’
Suddenly, tank-less Shava found himself inside 20th century London.
‘’So what do you say Shaatson?’’ Saimul Homeless said. ‘’It must be Professor Qadri.’’
They were on a train being attacked by gunmen.
‘’Wait I know this movie.’’ Shava announced confidently. ‘’It’s Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.’’
‘’Wrong!’’ Saimul lifted him up from the floor and a machine gun sent hundreds of bullets into his balls.
‘’Fuck I can’t feel my eggs – I mean balls!’’ He opened his eyes.
He was on top a much-ruined castle. It was cold and dark.
‘’Hey I guessed the movie’s name right!’’ He shouted into open space.
‘’No, the movie’s name was Saimul Homeless: A Gay of Condoms.’’ D-saw’s intimidating voice replied.
Suddenly, Shava felt a presence behind him. It sent a chill down his fishy spine. He turned around to see…
‘’Voldemort!’ He shrieked like a little girl.
A white bony man without a miniature pussy for a nose, wearing a tooth fairy’s costume with a gayish wand stood in front of him.
‘’I’m not Voldemort,’’ he turned around to reveal that the back of his head was an ass. ‘’I’m Gandemaar.’’
‘’What have you done to Harry Potter!?’’
‘’Wrong!’ Gaandemaar turned around and raised his wand. ‘’Zap-your-ballsack’’.
Shava got hit my magic in the fish eggs – balls.
He realized that he was falling down swiftly and heavily from the sky. A tall figure was seen below him.
‘’I know this movie.’’ Shava said. ‘’It’s Nisar Masoom’s Mission Possible: Ghost Photoshop.’’
With that he nearly missed being fucked in the anus by the Burj Khalifa’s top.
‘’You’ve got 1 out of 3 movies right Shit-faced.’’ Dicksaw said. ‘’Now you must face the ultimate challenge.’’
‘’What the fish!?’’
A boiled fish was arranged meticulously on a plate along with other dressings on a kitchen counter.
‘’Hey hey Shit-faced, hey.’’ Annoying Fish intimidated.
‘’Is this even a movie?’’ Shava asked the air.
‘’Hey hey why do you smell like shit?’’
‘’I don’t.’’
‘’Hey hey why are you blacker than a cow’s shit?’’
‘’Racist fish!’’
“Hey hey can you suck a fish’s dick?’’
‘’Fuck no. Ahh!’’
The fish jumped from the plate and swallowed his dick-top. He realized now that he was stark naked.
Shava fell backwards on the ground, out cold.
‘’Mahmud you have two choices.’’ D-saw told him.
Mahmud was standing next to Shava’s fallen body. He had also put on a virtual reality headset.
‘’The fish that has indulged Shava’s dick, although I’m surprised he has one, is a poisonous fish. You can either suck his dick to extract the poison or run away like the pussy you really are.’’
Mahmud didn’t think twice for what he did next. He turned around, crouched near Shava and farted on his face bringing him back to consciousness, and to life.
Chapter 7
‘’Yay I finally saved somebody!’’ Mahmud yelled removing the VR gear.
He shoved Shava and his head tilted indicating his death.
‘’What the fish!?’’ Mahmud yelled in shock.
‘’You did save him but not in the real world.’’ D-saw said through the arcade speaker. ‘’Now he’s trapped on the other side of reality like Source Code. The only thing you had to do to save him was remove the fucking gear.’’
‘’Fuck!’’ Mahmud screamed like a maniac.
Then he was hit from behind by a cupid’s arrow on the hip!
‘’Where am I?’’ Mahmud opened his eyes slowly.
He was bound on both his ankles and wrists. He realized that he in a cinema hall. The room darkened and the screen right in front of him started playing.
‘’At least you could’ve gotten me in the top row!’’ Mahmud yelled. ‘’Cheap writers.’’
Suddenly D-saw’s puppet seemed to jump out of the screen and kiss him. After peeing and shitting his pants, Mahmud found out that he was wearing 3-D glasses.
‘’We’ve had so much fun together over the period of 4 AAWs.’’ The puppet declared reminiscently. ‘’Now it’s time for a slideshow of Redemption.’’
The screen began showing Obaid with his balls cuffed. Then the view changed.
‘’Mr. Ajmal…’’ Michael Atherton said.
The commentator had to repeat his name twice for him to look at the camera.
‘’Are you delighted with your performance?’’
‘’I’m a good performance. I am Man of the (Series) Serious, we winner of the 3-nil (Series) Serious.’’ Saeed Ajmal replied
Mahmud started laughing his eggs I mean balls out.
‘’So Mr. Ajmal how does it feel to be the Pride of Pakistan?’’
‘’Wife of Pakistan?’’
‘’Do you think Misbah Ul Haq’s decision to include Shoaib Malik in the upcoming matches is appropriate?’’
‘’To include, conclude, choos Sania Mirza?’’
‘’No, to get Shoaib Malik back.’’
‘’Sania Mirza’s ass?’’
‘’Sir your English is despicable.’’
‘’Sir? When I knighted by Queens Elizashit of EngLund?’’
The screen buffered into fly-shaped pixels then showed Shoaib Akhtar, The Rawalpindi Express.
‘’From cricket star to writer.’’ Nasser Hussain was on a seat across from him. ‘’We have with us Shoaib Akhtar.’’
‘’Please call me Sapeed Akthar, my new pen name, The Chavalpindi Sexpress.’’ Sapeed said.
They were in a TV show lounge.
‘’We heard you were taking up English nationality?’’
‘’Yes Nasser.’’
‘’But weren’t aware that Pakistan has just whitewashed England.’’
Sapeed Akhtar sat calmly without blinking staring at the interviewer for a minute. Then he got up and pulled two cameramen by the collar closer to him.
‘’Teri maa di Englund ban-chods!’’ Sapeed spat into the cameras. ’’Pehle mere Pak ne manu dafa kia ab Adnan Akmal sab ka catch pakar raha hai, chaval bhai, chutiyas…’’
After hearing more umm foul language the rolling stopped, and the screen went blank.
‘’Oh sorry wrong tape.’’ D-saw said through the speaker. “Muli, put the ‘doosra’ tape!”
Mahmud had stopped laughing and started to complain. “Hey that was so funny!”
The screen changed immediately. Then Kayden Kross began to suck someone’s dick. It was Brazzer’s Valentine’s Day Special. Mahmud stared with awe as he got a boner. Unfortunately, he could not reach his penis. He could literally feel her busty boobs in 3D.
“I mean the ‘teesra’ one! Asshole!” complained D-saw angrily.
“NO!” Mahmud exclaimed. “It’s perfect!” Kayden was now riding the guys cock while another blackperson (no racism involved) gave her a deep throat.
The screen changed again. Obaid’s balls were cuffed to a chain which led to the wall.
“As I was saying...” Dicksaw continued. “...the slideshow of Redemption.”
“I’d rather watch Barney the Dinosaur!”
“Please maintain silence in the cinema.” Dicksaw said through the speaker. “Enjoy the show.”
''That's nice. Now I won't have to pay my electricity bill.'' The victim declared happily. A blood red word appeared on the screen, it said ‘Obaid’ indicating his name.
''Your time begins now. Live or get fucked. Make your choice.'' Dicksaw said.
Mahmud noticed a flashlight was stuck inside his dick. Its light shined brightly. He tried almost everything. He tried to pull away. Then he tried to bite off the 'metal' chain. He tried almost everything but failed. An object was seen clearly in the light. Obaid picked it up. It was a hammer! He closed his eyes and lifted it up in his hand.
“Grandfather, you’re one sick fuck!” said Mahmud with disgust between the show.
''Twenty seconds left.'' Dicksaw's voice rang like church bells in his ears.
Obaid was about to crush his balls like a nutcracker. But stopped when he realised a better method. Without second thoughts, he took hold of his dick and pulled up and down, up and down... His sperms flew like birds in the air out of the screen and landed on Mahmud like their shit. Mahmud felt as if he was being given a blowjob. His whole face glowed with the sticky semen.
“Where is he?” Detective Hassam asked himself. He had searched a whole section of the mall but there was no sign of his soon-to-be grounded son.
Dicksaw’s voice rang through the through the speakers startling the detective. “Detective, which would be the best place to take a valentine?”
“What? Is this some kind of clue?” asked Hassam.
Dicksaw did not reply. Then a small screen above him caught his eye. It was showing the current cinema timings. Right under ‘Cock Rider 2’ he spotted Nisar Mas00m’s and Abdullah Riaz’s AAW4: Juttni. Without second thoughts he quickly ran in the direction of the cinema which was on the other side of the mall.
''Ýou have thirty seconds to say this tongue-twister: 'she sells sea shells on the sea shore' properly. If you don't, your oxygen supply will be ended forever!'' Dicksaw said.
''This is bullshit, or horseshit, or whatever mixed-shit it is!'' shouted the victim. A black word ‘Shahwath’ appeared next to the victim indicating his name.
“Shava!” cried out Mahmud.
His whole body was strapped to a metal bed. He was on the roof of a barn. A TV set was situated on the ground showing the Dicksaw puppet.
''Live or get shit-faced. Make your choice.'' Dicksaw announced.
''She sells pee shells on the gay shore.'' Shahwath tried saying the words properly.
After ten seconds, the metal bed attached to his body lowered and he got shit-faced. Some of the shit flew on to Mahmud semen covered face.
''Yuck! It tastes sweet.'' Shahwath said when the metal bed rose up again.
“He’s right.” Mahmud said when some of the shit had entered his mouth. “It does taste sweet.”
''He yells she sell him a whore!" Shahwath exclaimed.
After another ten seconds, his face was thrust into the shit-hole again.
''Hang in there boy!'' A voice shouted. ''We're the FBI and we're going to get you out of that shit-hole!''
“Yes! Please!” cried out Mahmud. His mouth was filled with pieces of shit.
Suddenly, the timer beeped. Thirty seconds had run out.
''No, shit no!'' Shahwath screamed as the metal bed drove his head right into the cow's ass.
Mahmud could literally smell and feel the cow’s ass. His face was sprayed this time with a ton of shit.
The seat automatically pulled itself back.
‘’Oh fuck tastes like black coffee.’’ (No racism). Mahmud spat out the dark-brown chunks.
‘’Now time for an infomercial.’’ D-saw announced.
Abdullah and Nisar were shown on the screen standing in front of a green background.
‘’So Abdullah do you know how a black guys feels about a solar eclipse?’’ Nisar asked.
‘’How?’’
‘’He feels like one shiny white guy is being surrounded by a pack of blacks.’’
Abdullah laughed his balls out. Luckily they didn’t fly out of his pants in 3-D.
‘’Fuck I can’t believe I’m laughing after swallowing excrement.’’ Mahmud murmured.
‘’Abud you know why Sherlock Holmes got a fatal heart attack on his first visit to America?’’
‘’No?’’
‘’’Cause he saw a black on a beach sun-bathing!’’
The two writers laughed like hell then the screen went black (no racism).
The sound of drilling was heard.
‘’Oh no not chicken zinger!’’ Hassam yelled entering the auditorium.
Hassan’s naked body started moving along the rails slowly at first, then super fast. He was dragged upwards then downwards. Then left and right.
Hassam stumbled down the steps to save his one and only chutiya of a son. His wife was neither a female nor a male.
He looked over his shoulder at a cliff-sized drill which was turning automatically.
Almost there, Hassam thought to himself.
Hassan cried like a little girl as the drill drilled through his naked ass then through his entire body.
Hassam unstrapped Mahmud’s wrists.
He was entirely cut in half. Just like a Fatality in the Mortal Kombat series.
‘’Dad look out!’ Mahmud cried out.
The drill had emerged through the screen and while Hassam was bending down to unlock the straps on Mahmud’s ankles, and he was hit!
Mahmud leapt out of the way after getting free.
‘’Fuck me. No, not literally!’’ Hassam screamed like a little bitch.
It went straight through his ass shattering his shitting ability and taking anonymous inside his ass capacity. It tore his cock in half. Even Clive Barker ka baap couldn’t imagine something so unimaginable. All fluids: semen, urine and shit flew through the air, mostly onto his son’s faic.
And Mahmud watched as the drill slowly cut his dad’s faic in half.
‘’I think I’ll make a good journalist.’’ Mahmud said. ‘’’Cause my first headline would be Hassam Ali death by thrilling drilling anal sex.’’
In their secret lair, Bilawal and Saimul were celebrating.
‘’So it’s a tie.’’ Saimul said. ‘’The last trap we constructed together shows that two harami minds are better than one.’’
‘’Let’s high-5!’’ Bilawal dickclared.
But when both shoved their pants down to slap their own genitals, Bilawal shrieked like a little Chihuahua. He pointed to Saimul’s…
‘’No way. You got a pussy!?’’ Bilawal screamed (his dick elevating).
‘’Don’t you know?’’ Saimul asked with an innocent face. ‘’I’m Mahmud’s Mom.’’
Aftermath
10 years later,
Valentine’s Day
On the side of the road of an Arab country highway, Mahmud was facing his girlfriend outside his car.
‘’Hey you were lying. You haven’t gotten fat.’’ He told her.
‘’Yeah I haven’t.’’ She stripped off her dress revealing her baby bump. ‘’I’m pregnant!’’
‘’What the f-‘’ He fainted on the ground.
‘’Shit I think my water broke.’’ She entered the driver’s seat and left her fuck of a boyfriend on the sandy plain.
She shifted the car onto the road and began driving. The hospital was some miles away.
The sound of police sires made look in the rearview mirror. A police motorcycle was tailing her. She pushed the pedal down harder.
The next time she looked in the rearview there were two police cars behind the motorcycle.
‘’Fuck this.’’ She tapped on the nitrous.
The grey Nissan Sunny almost flew off the road as it was driven in high speed.
In the backward glance she saw about 10 cars with the motorcycle. Police sirens were playing irritatingly on the highway.
‘’Ya Imra!’’ Somebody called. ‘’Please stop the goddamn vehicle.’’
She decided to send them a message. She wrote that she was pregnant in Arabic on a piece of paper but it flew out of her hand when she held it outside the window.
It struck the motorcyclist on the face and he slid down. One car toppled off the bike.
They must’ve gotten the message, the girlfriend thought sarcastically.
She noticed a helicopter over the car. Along with expensive-looking cars with sheikhs inside and a SWAT team were also following her.
‘’This is your last warning.’’ The call from the helicopter said.
‘’Fuck!’’ She stopped the car right in front of the hospital.
Policemen SWAT and the sheikhs got out. They heard screaming inside.
‘’If you have anybody with you please tell them to get their hands up.’’ The SWAT team leader announced on his speaker.
A figure was seen held outside the window. It was a baby!
‘’Aaw sho shweet.’’ Nisar said.
‘’Wait how did we get inside our own parody?’’ Abdullah asked him.
‘’Will somebody hand me a goddamn AK-47!?’’ The girlfriend shouted. ‘’I have to cut this fucking cord off!’’’
So Mahmud kept the baby’s name Shahwath Shit-faced and they offered a weekly visit to the mother. The girlfriend was now KSA’s biggest female criminal as she had driven 10 minutes in a non-female driving country.
-The End?-
If you have a valentine, Dicksaw's going to get you...
If you're single, you're still FUCKED!
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