Nisar Sufi's
Machli 2
(Parody of Don 2 written by Farhan Akhtar)
Plot
International criminal Shahwath surrenders himself to the justice system. But are his intensions noble?
Introducing 2 new hit songs!
Intro
Buraimi, Oman.
‘’Ab Asia ka underworld ka Badshah main hu - I am the Fish!
Mujse zyada machli kah ne wala koi criminal hi nahi
Main tho-‘’
‘’Why this Pathan roti Cheap?
Why this Pathan roti Cheap?-‘’
Boom!
‘’Hey who turned off the fucking radio?’’ A fat man wearing only a doti entered the room.
He realized that not only the radio had been shut off it had been shot off.
‘’Mera FM channel ko change kar ne ki ainda ghalthi na kar na.’’ Shahwath said.
He had his initial S marked on his upper arm with a blade in fish stle.
The three armed men in the room enclosed on the internationally-wanted criminal.
‘’Now we don’t take orders from you Shava.’’ The plump Bengali told him.
‘’Kyun kaano mein Pathan ki muth jum gi kya?’’
‘’Nahi. Now we are about to sell fishes to Pakistan and they want you out of the picture.’’
A 7-foot tall muscular Bengali came closer to Shava. The criminal realized that an AK-47 had been pulled up at his back.
‘’Meet the Great Kala. He will be disposing you at Lavajet.’’ The fat-man announced.
‘’Haha. Batao iss jaga mein sabse mazedar restaurant kon sa hai?’’
‘’Kyun?’’
‘’Kyun ke tum logon ki gaand maar ne ke baad mujhe bhuk lag jaye gi. I want to eat fish, fish eggs, fish chips…’’
Before the AK-47’s fire could hit Shava he shoved the weapon up the fat-man’s bellybutton. Blood squirted out on the Shava’s face. He took the AK-47 from the gangster and kicked him out of the small mounted hut.
The tall Bengali was hit on the face by an assault rifle and he fell down, out cold.
More members of the gang started running towards the hut. Shava threw away his gun, grabbed a bucket and poured the liquid down the street.
The gang slipped on the Bengali oil and their dicks hit the holdings of the structure below. The hut started shaking!
Shava ran towards the bridge and when he reached halfway Great Kala grabbed his ass from behind.
‘’Now Great Kala show you the move used in Choodmania 28.’’ He showed off. ‘’I am 19-0.’’
Shahwath used the back of his head to hit the fiend and Kala’s face landed on the sides of the bridge just like the position in which Rey Mysterio does his 619.’’
‘’This is my move.’’ Shahwath took off his pants and underwear revealing his Amazon jungle hairy, oily cock.
He did a 619 which ended with a slap of the genitals on Kala’s face. Kala fell off the bridge.
‘’That’s called the dick-hit-slime.’’ Shava declared proudly pulling up his pants. ‘’Now you’re 19-1.’’
The hut and the connected bridge started falling down. Shahwath ran to the end of the guide and leapt like a flying fish.
Chapter1
Interpol HQ, Lahore (opposite Hiramundi), Pakistan.
Rehan saw a hot chick passing by in the work area.
‘’Kitna paisa le gi?’’ He asked getting up.
‘’What?’’ She asked.
Oh modern rundi, Rehan thought.
‘’How much money you take?’’ He asked in English.
‘’No. I’m not a prostitute.’’ She outstretched her hand. ‘’I’ m a new recruit. Humaima Malik.’’
They shook hands. The boss called her to his office through the intercom and she left.
‘’Harami you thought she was from Hiramundi?’’ Hassam asked him.
‘’I was ANALysing that from her ass.’’
Humaima entered the boss’s office.
It was dark. Too dark. And she didn’t want to be sexually harassed again on the first day of the job.
She noticed a fluorescent light at the end of the room. It was from a lamp on the boss’s table. It shone horridly on his face.
‘’You wanted to see me Sir?’’ She asked politely.
The boss got up and looked through the window behind him.
‘’I think I’m getting too old for this.’’ He muttered.
‘’Too old for writing? Sir you haven’t even completed the story.’’
‘’No idiot.’’ Nisar corrected. ‘’Too old for this job.’’
He turned around. ‘’Humaima I’m retiring.’’
‘’But we still haven’t caught Shahwath.’’ She pleaded.
‘’Oh that you and the trusted others can do’’, he told her. ‘’Guess my age girl.’’
‘’80?’’
‘’50’’
‘’Then Sir-‘’
‘’No I have to retire. I can’t continue this line of work after what happened with your Mom.’’
‘’What happened with Mom?’’
‘’She was the first rundi in Hiramundi. And I am the founder of that club.’’
Humaima said nothing. She followed him down the elevator. And when they got down-
‘’Put your hands up and kneel down on the ground.’’ Humaima said with her pistol up and Nisar followed.
Shahwath had his hands up with a silly grin on his face.
‘’I’m wearing a doti Jaani. My ass would freeze if I-‘’
‘’Shut up and kneel down!’’ She interrupted him.
Nisar and Shahwath were seated across from each other in the interrogation room.
‘’I should feed you to the dogs in the basement.’’ Nisar said tapping his wedding ring on the table.
‘’How about you feed me to the bitches in your Hiramundi?’’ Shahwath suggested.
Outside Humaima, Rehan, and Hassam were watching the show.
‘’What’s up with him?’’ Humaima asked Rehan directing him to a guy standing solemnly in the corner. ‘’Is he gay?’’
‘’No worse.’’ Rehan replied. ‘’His girlfriend was ‘fucked-to-death by Shahwath. Ever since then he wanted to see Shahwath behind bards.’’
‘’So what you want Shava?’’ Nisar finally asked.
‘’I’ll give you all the info I know. If you give me full immunity for all then warrants in my name worldwide.’’
‘’How about you give us the info and I’ll personally remove the death penalty. But you’ll spend a century in jail. A century that Tendulkar had to bat against Bangladesh to make.’’
Chapter2
Sharjah Prison for Chootiyas, UAE.
Shahwath was sentenced to prison for two weeks following his execution. Saimul was waiting at the entrance for him.
‘’Oh my fellow Bengali.’’ Shava greeted. ‘’Came here personally to give your gaand like your GF?’’
‘’No, I’m here to see your gaand behind bars.’’ Saimul answered.
‘’You want to see the last look on your wife’s face before she died?’’ Shava made a fish’s mouth and started air-blowing.
They exchanged gaaliyan in Bengali: ‘’Sjssjs balobachi sjdjs skjskjs, etc.’’
Saimul was about to slap him but 2 guards pushed him back. He watched angrily as Shahwath entered the prison walls.
‘’Hey it’s Shava!’’ One prisoner declared inside the large cafeteria cell.
About every prisoner started cheering for him – almost.
An inmate who lifting 10 tons of roti felt a touch on his shoulder.
‘’Guess who joined the cavalry?’’ He told him.
The angry-looking inmate got up to see Shahwath enter the cell. He marched shoulders high up towards him.
‘’You won’t last a second when you’re here with me.’’ The inmate said,
‘’We’ll see about that.’’ Shava replied.
Shava was bathing like a fish in the shower when a toweled white prisoner was silently walking towards him from behind.
Shava grabbed the razor-bladed fish-shaped dildo from him and shoved it up his ass. The inmate fell down, dead form bleeding.
Shava pulled up a towel like a lungi and walked outside the bathroom.
‘’There’s a guy with a fish shoved up his ass inside.’’ He told the guard standing outside. ‘’You might wanna take a look.’’
When Shava entered the café his enemy began marching up to him again.
‘’Look Bilawal I just want to be friends.’’ He told him.
Bilawal punched him hard on the gut and he fell down.
‘’That roti-lifting making you strong as a Pathan, huh?’’
Bilawal took out a fish dildo and held it up to his neck. ‘’You’re dead Bengali!’’
All the prisoners lined up to watch the brawl happening in the midst.
‘’Main tumhare tukre tukre kar ke machlio ko keladoo ga!’’ Bilawal threatened.
‘’Na iss mein mera faida ho ga na tumhara faida ho ga. Sirf machlio ka ho ga. Waise tho machlia Bengalio ko kaathi nahi.’’
Shava countered and placed Bilawal in a similar position.
‘’Zara soch ek bar Billy. Jab ke main koi bhi bhenchod-wala jail main dhakla le saktha tha maine ye chootiya kyun chuna?!’’
He dropped the dangerous weapon onto Bilawal’s chest and walked away.
Chapter3
‘’So how do we get out of this place?’’ Bilawal inquired taking a seat on the table next to the Badshah.
‘’Simple. But it will require 4 steps.’’ Shava explained.
Step1: A hot Pakistani chick wearing a blond wig put a box containing a cake on the security guard’s table.
‘’Sorry Miss I will have to check this.’’ The guard started opening the top.
She put a hand on his. ‘’How ‘bout you check me out first.’’
They went inside the janitor’s closet while the package was being delivered unchecked.
Step2: ‘’Happy birthday Shava!’’ Shahwath’s elderly cellmate greeted him at the arrival of the cake.
Shava secretly took out the tiny bottle from the dessert.
‘’Here have it all. It’s not like sugar can be worse than dying naturally in this dump.’’ He allowed the old guy to feast.
Step3: Bilawal opened one of the food containders and spilled the dose.
A few minutes later…
Shahwath sat down on the table and inquiringly at his plate.
‘’Here you have this.’’ He gave the food to the inmate next to him.
‘’Why thank you.’’ The inmate said.
‘’I don’t eat fish.’’
‘’WTF! But you’re a Bengali.’’
‘’OK so what are we going to do now? Escape the prison while every inmate is asleep?’’ Bilawal asked Shahwath after lunch.
‘’Tension kyun le that hai yaar? We’ll be out by midnight.’’ Shava explained with an evil grin.
Bilawal began walking away.
‘’Oh and Bilawal,’’ Shava called.
‘’Yeah?’’ He turned around.
‘’Uh they won’t be sleeping or sleepwalking. They’ll be sleepfucking. The liquid is known as the AIDs formula.’’
Step4: All the prisoners were having gay sex with each other late at night. Those without cellmates were fucking the goddamn pillows.
Two paramedics were opening Bilawal’s cell.
‘’Hey you!’’ Shava called one of them.
The short one ran to him.
‘’You have to help me. That guy’s banging my birthday cake!’’ Shava explained thoroughly.
And both the cells were unlocked.
‘’You’re just my size.’’ Shava told the paramedic.
10 minutes later the two cons were heading out of Sharjah Prison on the front seats of an ambulance.
Chapter4
Sharjah Club, UAE.
Later that night…
Shahwath and Bilawal were dining at a large club in the heart of the Emirate. He went up to a sexy lady and slapped her ass.
‘’’Not dancing tonight Jaani?’’ Shava asked her.
‘’No baby,’’ The Pakistan girl didn’t have her blonde wig on tonight. ‘’Why are you so concerned when I can be dancing and fucking at the same time.’’
Shava signaled to Bilawal. ‘’This babe’s name is Iman Ali. And she’s a playa!’’
‘’Check 1,2,3!’’ The announcer said into the mic. ‘’ We have a special guest singer to play a tribute to Shava’s return.’’
Everyone applauded.
‘’This guy will be acting as the double of our leader. He has the same face but probably not the same eggs, I mean nuts.’’
A guy resembling Shava jumped up on the stage wearing a red bandana and a white shalwaar kameez.
‘’O Khaike Naswar Waziristan Wala
Khuli jaaye tight gaand ka tala
Phir to Phatan aise andr daal
Ulta kar ke sab ki gaand
O lora Taliban base wala
O lora Taliban base wala
Arrey roti jaan kaisi bhenchod pe dal gaye haai haai
Kahan mera lund iss chood ki sooli pe char gaya haai haai
Kaisa chota mota mera lund kaisa bara hathora
Jaane kon tatti mein pad gaye Afhgani logon se paala
Chudi wi chud se chudi wi chud se hua halaal
Ek kaali bandri humri gori surat per mer gayi haai haai haai
Ek khoti muth hamre lund pe nikaal gayi haai haai
Kaisi kaali kaali choodi choodi chori wah wah
Kaisi kaali kaali choodi choodi chori wah wah
Karke jorajori kar gayi humre tattoo ki chori
Mili kaali to mili haali tho hua nihaal
Lora Taliban base wala o lora Taliban base wala
Lora Taliban base wala o lora Taliban base wala…’’
The singer found a gun pointed at the side of his head after finishing the song.
Shot!
The brains splattered all over Bilawal’s new suit.
Billy go up furious. ‘’What the fish did you do that for? He could’ve been the Fish’s – I mean Devil’s Double.’’
‘’He was white.’’ Shava said waving his pistol.
Chapter5
Five members of the Interpol team were gathered in a room at the top of the Burj Khalifa.
‘’I can’t believe that fish escaped.’’ Saimul declared angrily pacing around the room.
‘’You know what they say ‘Machli jal ki raani hai’. So maybe in this case ‘Machli jail ki raani nahi hai’.’’ Hassam suggested moving his hands as he talked.
‘’Fuck you Hassam.’’
Humaima stepped in between. ‘’Guys this is no time to be fighting.’’
‘’May I join you for a foursome?’’ Rehan asked raising a finger as if asking a Naughty America schoolteacher.
‘’Oye lodus I am announcing statement.’’ Nisar said gathering everybody up the round table.
‘’Yes Sir.’’ They all said in unison.
‘’As I am retiring I will be firing you all from Interpol.’’ Nisar declared.
‘’What the fish?!’’ Hassam stated in disbelief.
‘’No need to feel chuda hua.’’ Nisar said raising a hand. ‘’I am about yo give you a new taskforce headed by Muli. This taskforce has full immunity inside Dubai. So I expect you to catch Shahwath in the next 48 hours.’’
‘’But what will we call this team?’’ Humaima asked.
A waiter knocked on the door. ‘’Is this roti shoti for room 420?’’
‘’I got it.’’ Saimul announced proudly. ‘’We’ll call it Dubai 42-0.’’
Shahwath, Iman and Bilawal entered a private white-colored limousine. It was on the highway to Dubai.
Bilawal was seated across from the porno couple.
‘’So have you brought me here to make a video for RealityKings or to discuss the plan?’’ Billy asked with his arms crossed.
‘’Probably both. First the important.’’ Shava pushed Iman aside who was sucking his dick. ‘’Remember Hassan?’’
‘’That Hassan we hired to become vice-president of Egypt Bakers?’’
‘’Yes partner. Now he must pay back his debt.’’
‘’And what is that?’’
‘’The secret to the Zaather formula. Egypt Bakers has the highest stock sold of zaathers worldwide. We must get the formula from inside the special vaults. He has the room to open the room.’’
‘’And you want me to beat the shit out of him to get them?’’
‘’No I have another idea which will really make him red.’’ Shava said devilishly.
Chapter6
Dubai, UAE.
The Egypt Bakers were having a party at the Rotana Hotel.
‘’How are you Hassan?’’ Iman asked Hassan slapping his ass.
‘’H-how do y-you know my n-name?’’ He tried to control his redness.
‘’Shah Rukh Khan dialogue style huh? The name’s on your dog – excuse me, name tag.’’
A handsome mustached man wearing an expensive white tuxedo entered the dining halls. Everybody stopped going everything when they saw him.
He went up to Humaima and asked, ‘’Ana Rascala dance?’’
She put her hand in Rajnikanth’s and they started dancing with the others. Rajni threw her up in the air then caught her with one finger whole the other envious couples watched in aeu.
Then he started spinning her around with one finger. Then he brushed her teeth with his mustache. Then he rode her like a bitch-horse. Then he…
Rehan was about to stop the dance but Hassam held him back. ‘’Dude it’s Rajnikanth. If the Americans can’t touch him then how can hit him?’’
Suddenly, the stage announcer presented a band. The Egyptian band consisted of a drummer, two guitarists, one baker who was throwing bread loaves and zaather masala in the air trying to mix them, and a lead singer.
The band started playing.
‘’ Ya habibis I am s-singing song
Labn song
Croissant song
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Kalb incorrect
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Kbubus please
Why this Egyptian zaather…Green?
Distance la Eqypt-u Eqypt-u
Fi Eqypt-u football-u
Ball-u hit abuu-u abuu-u
Kid still want football-u backu
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Kabeer thees-u bitch-u bitch-u
Sageer brain-u brian-u
Zibb-u cos-u meet-u meet-u
Semen come inside like labn
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Why this Egyptian zaather Green?
Malvari maafi lund
Arab bitch khanees aend arse-hole
La la laanath la la laanath la la laanath la la laanath
Indian bhenchod dakhel hummus
White girl chalaathi ‘sex khallas!’
Ta’al kalb ready?
Ready wahid, itnain, thalaatha, arbha
OK kalb scarf change-u
Ya cos-omac
Only Arabic…
Hand la date milk
Date milk halib camel
Malvari-u mustache full-aa hair-u
Full oil bottle-u
Egyptian-u come-u
Indian gaand reverse gear-u
Harami harami
Oh my harami
You showed me how to feed umm-u
Shawarma shawarma ya shawarma-u
I want to shove you up my khark-u
Habibi beard is trimming now-u
Zaather made of bird shit-u
This song for Malvari laundebaazo-u
They don’t get Syrian girls wearing tight dressing-u
Falafel song…’’
Hassan got pink and started to a corner of the room while Iman placed cellphone in his dinner jacket pocket.
‘’Mind it!’’ Rajnikanth said with a finger raised and left Humaima.
‘’So how did it feel dancing with one of the South-Indian greats?’’’ Rehan asked jealously.
‘’I don’t think he was the real deal.’’ Humaima muttered suspiciously.
‘’How can you say that. He did all those theatrical tricks.’’ Hassam reminded.
‘’I just got a feeling.’’
Hassan heard the cellphone ring and answered the call.
‘’Meet me outside. A black BMW. You’ll recognize it.’’ The call disconnected.
Hassan started towards the front door to exit.
‘’I still think there was something suspicious.’’ Humaima continued.
‘’’Maybe you felt his hairy vagina.’’ Rehan suggested and the others laughed.
Hassan climbed down the steps and entered the vehicle. Rajnikanth was sitting in the driver’’s seat.
‘’Where’s he?’’ Hassan asked timidly.
Rajni took off his face.
Chapter7
‘’What the fish!?’’ Hassan tried to leave but the door was locked.
‘’Oh, I scared you. Boo hoo.’’ Shava mocked throwing the mask out of the window. ‘’So ready to give up the codes?’’
‘’As if you have leverage.’’
Shava handed him his Iphone. A video was playing.
‘’Fuck no!’’ Hassan shouted handing the Iphone back.
‘’You want me to post this on Youtube?’’ He asked him.
‘’No please I’ll do as you say.’’
‘’Now I got it.’’ Humaima told the others. ‘’He had his zip open and I saw a Amazon Jungle dick.’’
‘’What the fish!?’’ Both Hassam and Rehan exclaimed together.
‘’That means it must’ve been somebody else. Malvaris have mustached dicks.’’ Saimul declared. ‘’Must’ve been Shahwath!’’
Dubai 42-0 all marched outside. Shava and they exchanged glanced as he started the car.
‘’You two go we’ll follow.’’ Rehan told their leader and Hassam.
The two entered the latest Chevrolet model.
‘’Who the fuck painted this car pink?!’’ Saimul asked furiously.
‘’Uh-‘’
‘’Humaima I’m gonna fuck you dead.’’
‘’Like your girlfriend.’’
‘’Fuck you Hassam.’’
The car sped off tailing Shava’s BMW. They were on a busy street.
The black BMW was nearing a signal.
‘’Í guess this is the scene where you drop me off?’’ Hassan asked with fright.
‘’Oh, you’re right.’’ He kicked Hassam off with the car at full speed.
Luckily, his head landed in between Sunny Leone’s big tits. She was shooting a Bollywood movie directed by Makesh Bhatt.
‘’The end-e!’’ Saimul drove the gear into top speed.
Shava turned to the side and the Chevrolet toppled over a barricade and landed on a bumper cars’ ramp.
‘’Ya kalb we should’ve gotten that car.’’ One National said to his little brother.
Their bumper car toppled over Hassan’s vehicle but they landed safely.
‘’Bakistani!’’ The little National said.
‘’Yeah catch me if you can lodus!’’ Shava screamed out the window with his middle finger raised.
‘’Huh.’’ An Arab woman wearing an abaya threw her sandle at his face. He was distracted for a moment as didn’t see the dark green Hummer in front of him.
He drove right through it breaking the Hummer into two.
‘’WTF!?’’ Humaima slapped her rings-worn hands against the steering wheel.
‘’Made in China.’’ Rehan sighed for his purchase.
Chapter8
Shahwath, Iman and Bilawal were seated at the benches of the Dubai International Cricket Stadium.
‘’Shava why are we here?’’ Bilawal asked with a bored expression.
‘’Billy Boy it’s the World Cup final. Kenya vs. Zimbabwe.’’ Iman told him.
‘’A final only we came to watch. Even the commentators got drunk and dropped asleep.’’ Bilawal exclaimed.
‘’We’re here to meet a new colleague of ours.’’ Shava explained.
‘’Hi Sir.’’ Abdullah shook Shava’s hand as they all stood up.
‘’Guys meet Abdullah. He’s a high class hacker.’’ Shava introduced him.
Iman slapped the newcomer’s ass. ‘’I like this one. He carries a heavy package.’’
‘’You must be talking about my laptop.’’ Abdullah raised the case in his hand.
‘’Oh boy you’re as masoom as you look.’’ Bilawal rolled his eyes.
They all got seated – Abdullah right next to his latest boss.
‘’So are you ready to do the job?’’ Shava asked.
‘’Hmm… I am a little skeptical.’’ Abud replied rubbing his bearded chin.
‘’Oh so you’re in love. What’s the girl’s name?’’
‘’Shava I heard his wife is Sunny Leone.’’ Bilawal mentioned.
Shava a raised a gun to Abud’s face. ‘’Kaafir!’’
‘’No Sir.’’ He took out a poster from his jeans pocket. ‘’This is her.’’
The girl was in an abaya. Only her eyes and hands naked.
‘’Her name is Hani Muslemaan.’’ Abud continued.
‘’She’s fatter than Sunny.’’ Bilawal explained.
‘’You dumbass she’s pregnant.’’
‘’Are you ready to do the job?’’ Shava repeated the question.
‘’Yes Sir.’’
‘’Sir na kaho. Bohoth ki chuda hau lag tha hai. Shava kaho, Shava…’’
Shahwath was on the top floor of a double decker bus. He had a wire attached underneath his clothes.
‘’Any sign of Hassan?’’ He asked on the signal.
‘’Yes, he’s just entered the bus. And he’s walking up the steps.’’ Abdullah explained from a distance using binoculars.
Hassan sat down on the seat a little far next to Shava and handed him the codes. Then he and Shava left the vehicle at the next stop.
‘’Shava remember the men that followed you to the bus?’’ Abud inquired.
‘’Yeah.’’
‘’They’re on your tail again.’’
‘’No need to worry. Iman took care of them. And Abud stop concentrating on blonde asses.’’
‘’Sorry Shava but the population of US hotties has risen in the UAE over the last 2 months.’’
Shava entered the Burj Khalifa and ran to the elevator. The leader of the gang sent his three men up the stairs and took the next lift up.
Shava was wearing a rope when the gang leader arrived at the roof. A wire fence did not allow him access farther to the edge.
‘’Shava ka pakarna muskil nahi namumkin hai.’’ Shava made a dialogue and leapt.
In one room Hassam was drinking Red Bull. He spit it out upon seeing Shava dangling downwards. Shahwath successfully reached the ground and continued his walking.
The leader and his crew entered the junkyard. They were relocating to their compound.
Suddenly, they all stopped dead in their tracks. Their penises were wobbling inside their denim jeans.
‘’Hello Ahsan.’’ Shava said that and then something in Bengali.
He was holding a remote control of the large junkyard magnet.
He was standing on top of a pile of wrecked-up cars to look tall.
‘’Bengali I’m gonna kill you!’’ Ahsan shouted.
Shava pressed one button on the remote and one of Ahsan’s men had their dicks taken out by the force.
‘’No racism.’’ Shava warned.
‘’I didn’t know our dicks were made of metal.’’ One of Ahsan’s men said.
‘’When you were at the bus. My gorgeous kitty cat dropped a metal alloy into your coffees.’’
‘’Kill us Shava. That’s what you want.’’ Ahsan cried.
‘’No I want you all to join me.’’
‘’Join a Bengali.’’ Ahsan said and spat on the floor.
They all suddenly felt their dicks being moved forcibly ahead.
‘’OK, OK fine.’’ Ahsan and his men surrendered.
Chapter9
Shava and Bulawal were in the elevator heading up to their apartment.
‘’Why did you enlist Ahsan? He’s the no.1 harami of Al Ain.’’ Bilawal whispered timidly.
‘’We need more haramis like him on the team. Listen all I can say is that at the end of all this, Ahsan won’t be walking out of that building, alive.’’ Shava explained with evilness.
Bilawal stared at the team leader in shock as he left the lift. Iman, Abud and Ahsan were waiting for them. The engineer was seated behind the computer table.
‘’Here the plan goes.’’ Shava said. ‘’First we enter the Egypt Bank. This the place where they keep the vault. One of the professors there will have a passcard so Bilawal it’s your job to get it. By any means possible.’’
‘’Why can’t Iman do it?’’ Bilawal asked.
‘’You’ll find that out soon enough.’’ He added. ‘’The task is simple. But it will require 4 steps.’’
Step1: Bilwal entered the bank.
‘’Is Professor Chikna available?’’ He asked the receptionist.
‘’Yes, he’s in room 9211.’’ The sultry receptionist replied. ‘’I’ll make a call.’’
Step2: Abud entered the security control room with a fake ID. He greeted the other guard and set up his laptop.
‘’Man that woman is fat.’’ The guard remarked on the desktop background.
‘’A-hole she’s pregnant.’’ Abud told him. ‘’Bilawal can you hear me?’’
‘’Yes Abudi.’’ Bilawal said through the mic.
‘’Stop copying my fat wife.’’ Abud warned. ‘’By the way whatever you do don’t look behind you.’’
Bilawal saw Humaima and Rehan’s reflection from a stylish mirror decoration.
Bilawal felt super tense. He was about to scratch his balls so roughly that the skin would peel off.
‘’You can meet him no, Sir.’’ The lady said with a pleasant smile but raised a hand to her mouth when she saw where Bilawal’s hand was pulled in.
‘’Thank you.’’ He curbed his nervous ball-scratching and ran up the stairs.
Step 1(continued): Bilawal knocked at the Professor’s door.
‘’Helllo please come in.’’ The Professor said.
Bilawal did that and the door was closed behind him.
‘’Excuse me but what do you teach?’’ Bilawal asked curiously.
‘’Haha. Nice joke.’’ Chikna replied giggling. ‘’Now time for homosexuality lesson 1.’’
Step3: Just as Humaima nad Rehan stepped out of the bank. An explosion occurred in the middle of the building.
The couple tried to get inside but the front door was sealed due to emergency rules.
Step 1 (continued): ‘’So that is when the other man sucks the shit out of his partner.’’ Prof. Chikna explained using a hideous diagram on the whiteboard. ‘’You could go to Google Translate and type in And I stole your shit for more emphasis.’’
‘’Now.’’ Abud whispered on the signal.
Bilawal happily got off the desk, pick-pocketed the keycard and big booted him on the face. He fell out shattering the glass window.
‘’Hey Shava said drop him out cold.’’ Abud reminded.
‘’Fucking little bitch was getting on my nerves.’’ Bilawal said spitting on the tiled floor.
Step 3 (continued): A fireman truck assembles at the front of the building. They all entered the structure through the secret fireman back entrance.
‘’Everybody inside this room!’’ Ahsan sent the staff and customers into a room at the top floor.
The staff gathered there, sitting on the floor in panic.
Shava’s whole crew were disguised as firemen. And the bomb that caused the fire was only a sound effect courtesy of Abdullah.
Chapter10
‘’Shava I thought you said there would be 4 steps.’’ Bilawal asked.
They were all gathered near the vault room.
‘’Yes now the final step.’’ Shava started.
Step4: Two security guards saw Shava, Bilawal, Ahsan and three other men (they were undisguised now) enter the room. One of them was shot down. The other put his hands up so he was kicked out cold in the balls by Ahsan.
‘’The card.’’ Shava demanded.
Bilawal opened the vault room with the keycard. The door opened and the team entered.
‘’Where’s the vault?’’ Ahsan asked.
‘’We’re right above it.’’ Shava signaled to a vent built on the floor.
‘’And why the fish are we right above it??’’ Ahsan asked/
‘’Because my dear Bakistani racist. If I enter the vault directly the sensors on the floor will cause the oxygen to run out in 10 seconds.’’
‘’So what do we do now?’’ Bilawal asked.
‘’Help me.’’ Shava replied.
Bilawal attached a tope to his torso and he and Ahsan’s gang member held it as he was pulled down.
The room was made of white tile and only a grey colored round table was at the center of the room. A thumb-sized bottle was placed at is middle.
‘’Slowly, slowly.’’ Shava muttered to them.
‘’Why the fish are you wearing a doti?’’ Ahsan asked.
‘’Because there are sensors here that track body heart.’’ Shava replied.
He was almost about to reach the bottle with his hand.
‘’Oh crap!’’ Shava caught a urin drop just as it was about to land on the floor. ‘’Shhh. That was close.’’
All of a sudden Shava farted and due to the lungi the heat alerted the sensors.
‘’Hurry fucker!’’ Bilawal shouted.
Shava unattached the rope, landed on the floor, grabbed the container (which was exactly the size of his penis), and jumped for the rope.
He was pulled upwards and was just a few seconds away from seeing the vent being closed.
‘’Got it.’’ He said jubilantly and the lungi was torn from behind as it had gotten stuck in between the vent.
Bilawal took off his pants and gave it to Shahwath. ‘’Please put this on. One of Ahsan’s guys committed suicide after seeing your Amazon Jungle.’’
‘’So what’s the plan now?’’ Ahsan asked after Shava finished pulling up the pants.
‘’Now we get outta here.’’ Shava replied.
Every rifle was aimed at Shava all of a sudden.
‘’Bilawal what’s this?’’ Shava asked bewildered.
‘’For too long you’ve been using us to do your bidding.’’ Bilawal explained. ‘’Give me the container or prepare to die.’’
‘’Shava ke dushman ko hamesha yeh baat yaad rakhni chahiye. - ke Shava kabhi kuch nahi bhulta or unse hamesha ek step aage rehta hai or ek lund peeche rakhta hai.’’ Shahwath reminded throwing the container into Bilawal’s grasp.
Then he dropped a smoke screen and whilst missing the bullets in the fog he escaped through a wall crack and out of sight.
‘’Abud you there?’’ He asked through the mic.
‘’Yes Shava.’’
‘’We’ve just been doublecrossed. No need to worry they don’t know any way out of here. Disable the electricity.’’
All the lights of the building turned off. But the emergency lights came on and helped Shahwath take refuge in a small office room.
‘’Why this Pathan roti Cheap?...’’
‘’Abdullah turn off that emergency song.’’
‘’Sorry Shava nowadays psychologists see it as a great stress relievers.’’
Abud did so and checked whether the other guard had been surely knocked out.
Outside the entire Dubai police along with Dubai 42-0 were gathered around the front of the bank.
‘’I’m telling you. Shava’s in there.’’ Humaima said.
‘’How? You can smell his Bengali oil from a mile away?’’ Rehan joked but no one was in the mood to laugh.
‘’Ya habibis!’’ A speaker called from somewhere inside the structure. ‘’I am announcing deal.’’
‘’It’s him!’’ Hassam yelled.
‘’This announcement for Bengali boys-u.’’ Rehan joked and witness the same reactions.
‘’There are hostages in this fucking place. There is only one way to save them: through me.’’ Shava explained.
‘’And what do you want in return?’’ Saimul asked.
‘’Full immunity…’’
Chapter11
Hassan stepped inside the Dubai 42-0 Volkswagen van.
He was greeted with four handguns on his face.
‘’Now, now. He’s a friend.’’ Shava told them.
‘’Here are your immunity papers.’’ Hassan handed them to Saimul.
‘’Thanks Jaani, bye.’’ Shava blew an air-kiss and Hassan left full red.
‘’Everyone ready?’’ Saimul asked.
His team nodded.
‘’Wait I only want you and Humaima to join me.’’ Shava demanded.
‘’At least take me with you.’’ Rehan begged on his knees.
Shava got up and patted him on the shoulder. ‘’You’ll get the girl in Machli 3 1/2.’’
‘’And a half?’’
‘’’Cause the racist writer forgot to parody the first one.’’
‘’Oh…’’
‘’Now take this.’’ Shava handed him his Galaxy Tab. ‘’And visit my blog: how-to-get-hot-chicks.blogspot.com.
With that he and the two headed for the building’s secret entrance.
‘’This is AAWsum!’’ Rehan shouted.
‘’AWWsum? We just let our two best friends go with a psychopathic Bengali criminal.’’
‘’No, I mean this blog is AAWsum.’’ Rehan explained. ‘’Did you know Bengali women make up the biggest tits ratio in whole of Asia?’’
The trio entered through the secret firemen entrance.
‘’There are at least a total of 12 men.’’ Shava said. ‘’And they can strike at any moment.’’
‘’Look out!’’ Saimul shoved his dagger into a robber’s nuts who was just about to shoot Shahwath.
‘’As I said.’’ Shava said taking a deep breath of relief.
The entered the hall leading to the vault room.
More men stood there and started shooting.
The team of three took cover. Humaima fired at one of them.
‘’Is he done?’’ Saimul asked.
‘’No, he’s wearing some sort of roti armor.’’ Humaima replied.
‘’Great a scene from One Last Roti.’’ Shava patted his forehead. ‘’Fuck you Nisar!’’
Shahwath took off his lungi and used it as a lasso. He snapped everybody’s head off.
‘’See I told you – what the fish!’’ He exclaimed in shock.
Saimul had fallen down on the floor eyes closed.
‘’Is the bastard dead?’’ Shava asked.
‘’No he dropped unconscious after seeing your bushy genitals.’’ Humaima replied.
‘’Fish that.’’ Shava put back his lungi. ‘’Tell him that I didn’t kill his GF when he wakes up. She was actually a lesbian so she couldn’t take my sperm supply and it clogged her throat.’’
Ahsan, Bilawal and three other men aimed their AL-47s at Shava and Humaima when they entered unarmed.
‘’How the heck did you get in?’’ Ahsan asked astonished. ‘’You didn’t even have the passcard.’’
‘’That’s because I scanned the code on my ass using my Galazy Tab.’’ Shava said.
‘’Yuck now hands up.’’
They followed.
‘’Tum ne kaha than a Shava ke tum dushmano ke hamesha ek lund peeche rakh the ho. Ab tho tumhara hudi gaand maar di.’’ Bilawal unquoted.
‘’Oh please don’t shoot me. Kill her. Kill the bitch!’’ Shava shrieked like a little girl.
‘’What kind of man are you?’’ Humaima asked with disgust.
‘’Sahi Bengali nikla. Fire!’’ Bilawal ordered.
All of them fired except Bilawal. The bullets deflected and killed them.
‘’Bakistani implants.’’ Shava said.
He had used Humaima’s boobs as cover.
‘’Fish this!’’ Bilawal threw his rifle away and ran towards his enemy.
Shava threw Humaima away and they both started fighting.
Bilawal used Karate, Kung Fu, Tai Chi, Shaolin and other show-off moves. But Shahwath just moved aside and pushed him towards a small table.
His face was in a dick-hit-slime position.
‘’Time for the finisher I used in Choodimania 28.’’
Bilawal fell on the floor out cold.
‘’Please cleanse his face before he gets admitted to jail.’’ Shaba told the fallen girl. ‘’The others could get AIDs.’’
All the hostages were rescued and happily ran out of the bulding to their loving friends and family members.
Shava saw Abud standing near the 42-0 van laptop case in hand.
‘’I’m gonna kill-fuck your pregnant wife.’’ He told him. ‘’You betrayed me and joined 42-0. Fuck you.’’
Imam welcomed Shava to his seat when the white limousine had pulled up.
‘’Bye Abudi.’’ Iman said and the door closed after Shava leapt on her sexually.
‘’Don’t worry we’ll get him next time.’’ Saimul said to Abudi.’
‘’Shava ka pakarna mushkil nahi namumkin hai.’’ He told Saimul and left in the black BMW.
‘’So that means his wife will squirt out twins if Shava also fucks her?’’ Hassam asked Rehan.
‘’Better consult the blog.’’ Rehan said starting up the tab.
Aftermath
Dubai, UAE.
One week later…
Shava was driving a motorcycle with Imam seated behind him. The back plate read Machli 3 ½ Coming Soon (like in the original movie it read Don 3 Coming Soon)
They stopped in the middle of a vacant highway. There was a black BMW parked there.
‘’How do you like your new car Abud?’’ Shava asked him patting his shoulder.
‘’Well thanks for the gift and Dubai 42-0 doesn’t suspect me anymore. I just quit working for them.’’ Abdullah explained.
‘’And I gace Ahsan the fake container. The real one was sealed in the middle of my buttocks.’’
‘’ I don’t wanna be touching that anytime soon.’’
‘’We’re gonna be fucking rich!’’ Iman celebrated showing off her tits in the UAE sun.
They got into the BMW with Abud in the driver seat.
‘’Why this Pathan roti Cheap?...’’
The song started playing as the car started. It was from Nisar Mustafa’s new album Chootiyapun. Shava stopped Abud from turning it off (he was seated opposite him).
‘’Choro I like this song now. It seems lucky for me.’’
And with the song playing in the background. They cleared off.
‘’Shava ke dushman ko hamesha yeh baat yaad rakhni chahiye. - ke Shava kabhi kuch nahi bhulta or unse hamesha ek step aage rehta hai or ek lund peeche rakhta hai.’’ – Shahwath, Machli 2.
Hassan was driving his red Lamborghini down the highway to Al Ain.
Beep.
His Blackberry rang. He received a video message.
He opened it and saw just seconds of the YouTube video that garnered 1 billion views.
‘’Peck, peck.’’ Hassan cried in the video as he was being fucked by chickens at a farm in Buraimi.
Suddenly, his face exploded like a tomato splattering the sauce over the windshield and the car toppled over.
-The End?-
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